I AM RACIST AND SO SHOULD YOU

Before Dani Alves read the script about eating the munekye (yellow banana) thrown at him, there was always all sorts of different approaches to the situation. One could ignore, sit out a match or two in protest or other form of reiteration. Eto’o had countless number of bananas thrown at him in Spain. I know it’s not proper but Eto’o has a fairly rounded face that kinda resembles our wild friends. Of course if Mourinho says he doubts the guy’s age then he is just a bloody Portuguese racist. If I may ask honestly, how old is Obi Mikel, Drogba, Essien? Those guys have been twenty eight forever, but don’t judge because then you are being racist. Balotelli is not a bad boy, it is just those racist chaps who are jealous of his talent. Suarez might be a villain when he abuses Evra and rodents on another player, but his punishment will only last until he has the most goals in a season. Look the guy is not racist after all because he is actually good at what he does.

In the past, there have been idiosyncratic tabloid contests of ugly footballers. There have been very credible contestants in the likes of Wayne Rooney, Ronaldinho, Tevez and I am not sure if those statistics are true but if you put Sagna and Gervinho in that category then you are in trouble. They are black and it would be racist. Stick to praising Walcott’s baby face and it is not just affirmative action but the kid just gat it. Becks...naa he is just English and all that hype, besides he married a size zero spicy poppy!! A word of advice, if you get into a face off with a white guy on the pitch, just say he called your mom a monkey. Whites are not supposed to argue with Blacks because they will be tempted to commit an abominable sin.

When Hilary Clinton faced off with Barrack Obzy, it was not entirely going to be about policies and the like. Jayz and his lil mama Be yz did not campaign for that Kenyan dude entirely because he was a sharp lawyer from Illinois. Believe me you, that is not being racist, the racists are the guys who supported the white Republicans because they were jelasy (jelous) * of our black boy.  Okay, Beyonce might be competition for Michelle but guy is Kenyan (prezzo Uhuru just validated nonconsensual polygamy so riyally). Hussein is a Muslim name so three more perhaps? Granted Be yz is married but her ancestors come from an African tribe which says omusaija tayangwa (A man can’t be rejected), nuff sed. 

And when it comes to who wins the Oscars or kills the couture, if you don’t vote for Lupita Nyongo o’ then you are racist. N please make sure she becomes the most beautiful person of the year. Anyway that babe is talented for pulling off a Patsy role, duh… If I am a mukiga, I think I can find my way around a kitaguriro…but I believe that Lupits can pull off a role in pretty woman, if she makes the cut…just saying. (If you doubt it then you are also racist). If you put Megan Foxx on Vogue magazine, it is just a de ja vu racist stunt; please put Michelle Obama and let Kanye West hang if he thinks his Kim Kard should be in the Whitehouse!! Traitor just, I bet his grandmother would never approve of his spousal choice. Spoilt kid just. Probably just lucky that Eminem is white!

Maybe if Anne Kansiime bleached ka lito (a little bit), she could be messing up on CNN, but she is talented and not just because she is black; but black she is. 

I am the money bags Donald, I own the Clippers, I don’t care that most players are Black. Even slaves were big black creatures and their role has not changed much. They put money in my pocket and that is all I can put up with. I do not need a jungleful  of their noisy relatives and oily (biwani) hair pieces in my Arena. I own a bar in a banana republic (Uganda), but I just prefer foreign clientele; they are more convenient to handle and actually have money to spend on the stuff that actually sustains my business. Nothing personal, just business. I am sure you will find a more convenient hangout in Katwe (slum) when it has not rained. 

I am South African and I don’t care who owns the businesses because at least Zuma is the President; and neither do I care that he is a million times richer than me. I am glad that we win the Rugby world cup sometimes even though the only Black players are on the bench, we are not that big anyway save for wrestlers and basketballers but those are in America. At least we dominate the soccer team because whites are never good at soccer, Spain is just one lucky bunch of racists. It is even possible that CR7 bleaches, that dude is too good to be white. 

In Africa, we don’t like marrying whites because those guys are just lazy: they cannot dig, they will probably abuse our grandparents and refuse to eat matooke and thar (that) is just the worst way of shawin off (showing off). If we do dare marry them, they have to be well above 50 years old and hopefully cancer will agree with our pension ambitions. If not, we can get a visa, get out of this rat race and elope with younger hommies in the diaspora. Nothing personal, just culture.

We at **** Aiways just prefer white hostesses. You see, you blacks have unpredictable weight patterns, are rude and might get pregnant anyhowly. So we just need to ensure quality customer service, nothing personal.

MLK Jnr. Was perhaps also just looking out for his hoody meyn!!

When a genocide erupts or any civil war erupts, please evacuate all UN staff especially the foreign ones. If election violence starts, evacuate all the diplomats’ children in International schools. If Bokoharam abducts school girls, are there white kids? No, then let us not interfere in the sovereignty of Nigeria. The government can handle its issues…but we have zero tolerance against terrorism in fact we are sponsoring a few Africans for a workshop on the same. 

Kati gwe fat boy, simanyi how fat you are but, for starters; you are too Black to be racists, infact you should be an usher in a Kiwempe. Mbu kale you don’t want to play Bebe Cool’s zic…gwe justi oyinn’enuggu, tokuba sada ate toyina thwagga….see yo untalented life… faya ina de bwan ya…..nalumansi…(Ja have mercy) bomboclat.

THERE IS ONLY ONE RACE, THE HUMAN RACE. Let us all be racist only in that perspective.

Peace out.

$TOH

Twitter @ matsikogodwin

No life is lived in vain

When one asks you about someone you have known at some point in life, there is always that scene that pops out in your mind from some place in the shelves of your mental archives.

If someone asked me about Jimmy Pounds (JJ), what pops up is a well-fed, plump world at his feet; light skinned lad complete with a rim of specifically fitting eyeglasses. JJ as we called him sometime in the mid 2000’s was not easy to miss in a crowd. He was the person you found at Praise rallies and similar praise sessions on a Sunday service with a huge Bass guitar. He pinched at the stringed monster with such raw precision that for the most part you doubted he actually did any justice to it. One would be tempted to think the sounds were prerecorded so much so that JJ seemed to cast in the stage-managed scene.

There were those parts of the progression where Graham Keys, Irad Khitta Prince or Junior would mute the Key board and it would be JJ left to pulsate the environs with those husky guitar licks to much aplomb especially from the ladies. Trust JJ to leave to the moment. He oft times crowned up his solo with a summer sault or a Congolese 360 gyre much accessorized by his given endowment for that particular dance routine.

JJ went on to be an interpreter, radio DJ and gospel musician.

Jackie Mbabazi was that lady who was more vicariously known through her son Elvis; a young light skinned Rwandese looking boy and arguably the youngest member of our VIM choir at the time. Jackie was at church for the most part, did her biddings as an usher, helps minister, and a little would be said about her being a primary schoolteacher as well.

We shared those missions where we struggled to put pieces of legal tender together, went through prayer and fasting sessions together, struggled to find Justin’s choir uniform together.

Sometime last year, it was told that Elvis passed on in some mysterious juvenile delinquent mishap. At the beginning of the week, social media was awash with later to be confirmed rumours of JJ’s demise. Right before that particular dust settled, someone else posted that Jackie had followed on West.

These people served God with such passion and dedication at some point in their lives and I can say as much that I was there to glean from the unique shades they weaved into the fabric of God’s green earth. I eavesdropped on their loud out dreams at times…I heard them testify at times for the glimmer of rays pointing to the exhilaration in their hearts.

Gone to soon, I agree, and I am left with the task of finding out what it is that their lives have left for us to work with. So much is left unknown but one thing is for sure. No life is lived in vain.

R.I.P fellow labourers in the Great Commission, your legacy lives on.

#R.I.P
$TOH

twitter @matsikogodwin

No matter what yo not good at, your dreams are as valid as ever!

I remember somewhere in Primary 1 at Uganda Railways Primary School Nsambya (not sure the school exists anymore) my teacher of English was praising my progress in the subject when her Maths counterpart a one Ms Musisi (I hope it is not the KCCA boss) rubbished her on grounds that my Mathematics was wanting.

Sometime in Senior 3 at Ntare School a teacher in the Chemistry lab saw my unsuccessful attempts to draw a beaker or whatever name it went by, (those glass containers in Chemwa where colours were mixed then through tubes bla bla) and assured me how I would never be a scientist (and in that school such was a huge insult).

Music and Literature were always second nature to me but never measured up as brainy quests. It was better for one to ace the science subjects and do okay in the humanities than the reverse.

As the seers would have it, I never really aced Maths or Chemistry; I had trouble remembering all the valences of all elements under the sun, making sure equations balanced with letters of the alphabet, numerals above and below them. Those short numbers in Math’s paper Section A, were just too impossible. I just managed to survive the system I would admit.

I would perhaps had been most confident on stage, in the music room, any type of aesthetic theatre or recital; a magazine editorial or novel tour but not mixing colours and hoping the blue turns pink but not too much pink and that X and Y persist to the last part of the dy dx trajectory.

Do I sound like R. Kelly? Not really, Can I ace a Beethoven symphony? Naaaaaaay, Do I think I could succeed Shakespeare? Dude, who does that? …and the scales tip some more, and yet some more.

Somewhere deep in Rukungiri, a not really schooled woman (mother of a childhood friend) always told her kids that I would be a lawyer (although I actually found this out much later and she died before I could ask why she presumed thus. R.I.P)

I kinda detested the learned profession for no justifiable reason and so had never really striven for it by any scintilla of ambition. I was sure I would do something big with my life somehow but I could not quite put a finger to what. (Have I yet anyway? I cannot say).

There are that many things in life that are always blurred and perhaps even for too long. I have probably forgotten 90% percent of what I studied in the Chemistry lab and my appreciation of numbers has not necessarily improved but none of that marinates my waking moments that much.

#As Lupita would say, no matter where you are from…blab bla bla…. and as I might add, no matter what you are not good at, your dreams are as valid as they have ever been.

Onward marching, dreamy soldiers…
$TOH

twitter @matsikogodwin

Andrew Mwenda's Open letter to Oscar Pistorius

Dear Mr. Pistorius,

Reference is made to your personality, ongoing trial in the Courts of law as well as the uncompromising verdict of our hereto; Court of Public Opinion.

 We ken on the fact that you are Oscar Pistorius at such a time but as it stands you are definitely a celebrity for all but the wrong reasons. Now it is not anymore about the sympathetic fan base of a special needs person (SNP or PWD) trailing in a world sprint; or perhaps because of your inspiration as an African talent that transcends physical kaput. You were not just a limbless (or metallic limbed) person with talent, you actually found a girl to love you despite, a catwalk monster at that! Women go to men for antithetic reasons, so she possibly fell for your fast legs (or lack of them), the camera flashes, the bankroll, your golden heart or one of the myriad trivias that niche the buds of feminine erotica. On a behindhand, Reeva Steenkamp threw her everything to you (literally) and for the time that the amour lasted; we would like to believe that she made you a happy man. (What more would a man, limbed or otherwise want?)

 Yet as we would have it, you are a man of all but the rarest of talents. You are a movie plot complete in itself. We might have overlooked not only your military prowess, your impaired vision and topical sense of judgment but you’re your Napoleonic mind devious enough to outwit Kaparov. We did not get you red handed pulling at the trigger not that you deny that much anyway. Did we get you fight and berate Reeva’s teary eyes? No we did not. Perhaps you were not just negligent, perhaps more.

 Slack of that, we have your picture. While you could buy a lawyer or Magistrate to grant you bail (whatever it took), you cannot bolt to any other country because you, Mr. Pistorius are no Malaysian aircraft. We will smoke you out pretty cursively. Despite your hefty pay check and web of sympathizers, most of them men of course; the long arm of the law will pick you out like the dwarfs in Gulliver’s Travels.

Did we mention that you suck at acting? Yes you do, why else do you think we pay Denzel Washington and Willsmith to make a fool of themselves, on the silver screen. It is because, Mr. Pretorius, they are damn good at it. You might have relished watching Charlize Theron more but clearly you didn’t or perhaps her talent just could not rub onto a home boy? It is possible that you knew that it was your girlfriend at the time, that you did not actually mistake her for an intruder and that you had your prosthetic legs on; reason for the arched trajectory of the bullets. Throw up all you want, mumble all the semantics you can muster but after you are through with the theatrics we will see right through your chauvinistic casuistry and will proceed with our verdict. It is circumstantial what we are working with. 

Truth be told, the best and only eye witness that would be on the stand has; thanks to you been morphed into the realm of the world beyond. She was a pretty girl with a Daddy who loved and adored her. Still you did not spare our little princess. You put a spiked knife right into her chest and twisted to the right, to the left and then twisted some more. You carefully packed up every trace of intent and sent it with our darling model on that forever gone voyage but circumstantial evidence even if it is all we have left will not let us down. She is gone but her voice screams from the beyond and we can barely make out the whole story but all we here is, “guilty, guilty….!!!”. 

 

We on this side will see to it that you are found thus and sent beyond 4664. 

Yours faithfully 

ANDREW MWENDA

ADVOCATE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION

PS/ We were aware that you might not receive our plea unless it was sent to you in the guise of a famous TV pundit a little less popular than yourself. 

$TOH

Uganda can sell you an HIV status, Why again do you need Obama?

One affair you will realise is that for sometime now, if you did a desultory Google News search about Uganda, there is bound to be a story or two about the West's reaction to the Anti Gay Act 2014 (let alone the naivete verity that most of them still call it a Bill!) One about a Ugandan clergy who has vowed to fight for LGBT, another about a aid cuts, and yet another about mob justice infernoes of gay couples and whatnot. It is as though there is a specific United Nations department or a full nation at that, devoted to Ugandan gay issues. Yoweri Kaguta Museveni has in my opinion always had the most convincing arguments on the matter; my Human Rights Law background not withstanding. He lays it plainly thus;

 

         "...For years, we (Africans) have watched how you (the West) behave with shock but have kept quite, how you organise your families, how you relate....we have never come to you to say stop behaving like that....but with this new Social Imperialism you come to us and tell us..'behave like us' and we are saying No.!! ..Obama says this and that...but we have nothing to fear, ...if you do not want to do business with us because we have refused to behave the way you behave, we shall do business  with others who respect how we behave.....the mouth is for eating and talking...not for....."

 

I could go on in that unadulterated Partriachal accent for ages but you get the point I suppose. Stakes are that you will seldom chance more clement people like Ugandans but the BBC will have you believe otherwise. So now they decide to do a survey on what it takes to get an HIV negative status and they conclude it is just off the shelf at just $20. Not only did they actually go the length of committing the crimes assuming it is criminal to do so which it is, they evidently managed to show it as one that should potboiler against Ugandans in the Courts of public opinion. So research is actually an excuse to criminal acts I suppose. Nevertheless, on the merits of their unilateral research I suppose it actually helps to bring in South Africans to abhor our HIV wanton fity- fifty deal. South Africa- HIV really?? Interview Ruhakana Rugunda too. You gave him a nod in the UN so now he is the more subtle devil's advocate against his own country. Assuming all he has to say is what his

office has failed to do and not that his comments were recalibrated and master mixed for the plot.

 

So we sell HIV status certificates because apparently we are so evil that we don't only kill gays but also HIV positive people, that is extremely accurate as my fellow Ugandans would agree. Might I remind you though that despite the death penalty in our laws, it is been over a decade since anyone was actully guillotined, but arguable no jobs for the HIV positive huh!! Might I remind you still that what happened in Vietnam, Nagasaki, Iraq, Guantanamo, Yugoslavia and Rwanda gives us opinions about what the West actually cares about?

 

You own the movies, the settelites and the cables. we own the trees, the potbellies; the diseases, mosquitoes and gollillas too. We still live in trees and do not have drinking water and that makes us even more lacking in grey matter. You would be surprised how dispensable (I think Beyonce said that sometime) you are Mr. Obama, despite what heritage you have chosen to identify with. We are not as articulate at using your dialect through our nose but we chatter in our mother tongues more fluently than you will ever decipher and we do talk about you by the way although it all sounds like cling and clatter. We could pay homage to your pinches a bit, but your New Age has not (except for Phat Boy), deluded us from the belief of someone actually greater than your dollars and for the record we are doing just fine however hard that is for you to believe. Be warned, if you insist, we might send to the white house some human eating humans from Rakai, and O boy, do they mean business!!

Days you hope for Russian invasion with an alien Pilot called Putin

I love my country too. No, but you don't show it. You are not a real cadre. In fact now that we have become experts at legislation the next thing in my diary is to force all you schlemiels to love your country. No listen to me young man..you don't talk when I am talking, I am a cadre, I know what I am talking about. In fact you kids are just wasteful, no elections for 2016..Bahati prepare a Bill on that ASAP. You could bet the Amama camp didn't see this one coming. Just when they essay to bring the man's head-shot on the ballot paper and debate whether to use a slasher or a banana for his campaign mascot; the chess master is three moves ahead, as he often is anyway but this time it is not the least of aces.....no elections after all, so you can as well go eat your petty party structures. Mrs Amama, naye this craze for being first lady, if your husband likes you, should it matter that you stay in Nakasero? babes can want.

We all need Kyankwanzi to teach us pretty much everything about everything. If I may ask, who teaches Kyankwanzi and how does one use a degree in patriotism and love for the country BA/Scie PLC first class Hons? What happened to Mchaka mchaka..Okay they ranted warrior chants and carried wooden guns while footslogging on slopes. That makes for a MAUMAU sorta novel manuscript but did you say it was part of patriotism curriculum? Wow.. the things tax payer's money is meant for can mean to be addling at times but again what do I know. You might think the law has answers to everything but guess what? Lukwago is out of office and bye elections are well underway...what say you?

Eventually we have a Disney nurtured generation. Finally we  posit in aliens so much so that we have relapsed to the ultimatum that what escapes our technology can only be by Alien invasion. Ya , though it makes Al Jazeera news, it is not a matter of great concern that MH

370 was raptured. That word? no not in that sense...the aliens will tell us later. We need to invest some brains in studying alien languages. This time the plane was not American so we do not need to be so perturbed. Maybe they send the earthquakes too, and the tsunamis and the typhoons..Interesting how a culture can be built about something enough to gain validation in high places. Guardian angels to Santa clause to the elf and now aliens. TGE

Speaking of America, as if the cold war scales could be on a least expected twist. So that tycoon is sold his shares in Apple and facebook and buying Alibaba what? who even uses that site (more than a billion people actually) Ya right. Snowden must have seen it coming and while we detest colonialism for the most part, Crimea would rather Kiss Putin's toe than continue the hugging motions with Ukraine. So what is Big brother US planning to do about this? Just go and  fix every body's backyard because truth be told you have your house well in order. Rant all you want about your referendum quorum legalism but unless you can stand up to the Russian barrel challenge you might as well use your summits for bathroom paperwork!

We could pass all the laws we want about everything and everyone, sometimes rightly so, sometimes out of sheer boredom and lack of meaningful intellectual adventure. On a daily, there are bound to be things that even technology cannot explain and it will at least manage to create a scapegoat which seems to be the only unexplored dimension. While that is happening, another Napoleon Bon is making a name for himself as a Russian Tsar of the millennium and Ugandans are doing what they do best-effortless comedy. Okay, guys can we get this over with already?

Prof. Dr. Rtd. JSC Hon. MP, Sr. citizen GW Kanyeihamba v NRM Rebel MPs #>400 million!

Dancing has never been every man's posho but whatever it is that we do, we always hope to secure a home arena and then go on to establish our laurels right on that table. So if you decide that you want to be a professional, a lawyer or any other, then go ahead, burn those midnight candles and have all the paper trail there is to fit in your portfolio. Do all the wonders that your feeble vanity can muster and stand to make a fool of your peers for their measured inadequacy. Is it not in the shortfalls of those around us that we can possibly notice the slight difference in our areal view?

After you are done writing all A kicking political, legal books whatever category they ultimately fall in. After you are done juggling the blackboard, the bar, the August House and the bench; in all colors and shapes. After you have got your head full with all the flavors of vanity fair that there are, after you have surmounted all the echelons of a surreal livelihood; after all is said and done, the world should realize that you are not done yet. If not anymore for the intellectualism that you churn out, for the drama that is still reeled in raw.

So you switch sides and start praying to the same throne you once occupied and oh boy who would blame the sweaty hands this stark change in roles can seduce. For both parties it is not the easiest of circumstances. Do we address you as your Lordship, or just senior counsel or Professor? By the way those tantrums you are throwing to your team mates, how about that? Do we say contempt of Court, hostile counsel or something else you would have easily handed out from the other side of the fence. Since you are sure everything you say is bound to be published, then you are perhaps all the more competent to lash at every scintilla of errant behavior that crops up in every corner. Or is it just a matter of unrelenting principal.

Maybe it is possible to make a Kick A advocate in one's 80's. Senility might as well be just a mental notion. We are not about to assume that virility has an age bracket as far as intellectual debate is concerned but yet again you tend to think that some stereotypes are not necessarily unfounded. Sometimes one wonders whether too much attention and reverence given to some quarters of the patriarchs has a chemical component that it marinates in their emotional dockets. This is Africa and as usual when an old man sneezes, the cold is there for the taking. Perhaps too, it is an African thing that we never consider nursing homes and in the very least quite retirement in the countryside when the clock gets to the evening watches.

Now you stomp out of your clients' good graces; not that you need their butter anyway, but is it not a question of professionalism at some point. You probably brought that out in your lectures at some once upon a time T but again, you make the law, you change the law; the rest of us just dance to the tune. Now that you cannot embalm their cause, you might as well add injury to insult and sue them for 400 mills. That is surely a job well done and we are doing nothing less than appreciate your expert interpersonal skills seasoned by a century of ego diets. They have been labelled rebels so you might as well go with the wind.

Prof Kanye (East oba?!) Sir, finally we get it, your legacy too; has a price and the tag reads 400 million. Good luck with the inflation though.

ION #..Don't you love how we are now all experts of Lupita Nyong'o and the Oscars. Congs btw, still making all of us proud. Too bad arsenal is back to chasing fourth place!!!