Tears of the Eiffel Tower

If it is about tall,chizzeled jaw, hollow bellyied romantic size zero runway queens we get it. If it is about the classy rhetoric and sharp suits that too. If it is about the Riviera, the concord; Thierry Henry and Zinedine Zidane we would still relate. This is no such thing, not the tourist rate or the bizzare prostitution laws being passed in the land of Marie Antoniette.

 

It is a gruelling attack on civilians, I choose not to say innocent because few ever merit that description however easily it is littered. Whether it is immigration, politics, religion or sheer wantonness the hyenas jump on the carcass of the lion they have trailed. Regardless, it was no combat, and the world woke up to horrific stats of the blasted stadium; not by rowdy racist fans or infuriated losers. Tortched concerts and racketed restaurants. A sad day anywhere.

 

We for the most part just take away the statistics and keep updating our tally but that is a child, father, mother or loved one to someone. It could not get worse. A selfish confession, the first people that came to mind were, Ozil, Giroud, Kocielny and Wenger. I hoped and prayed they were fine. I think I have beat that horse senseless!

 

It is an attack against humanity, like any other murder in Soweto, Burundi, South Sudan, Iraq, Syria and not just because of age old allies or because Obama thinks so. All blood runs red and it helps that the value of one's life is never weighed on the GDP of one's flag. That is myopic in every sense of the word but true it is time to mourn and not point fingers.

 

 

The world was silent when Rwanda was bleeding, Gulu wailed lipless for decades on end while we cheesed and burgered; the silence remains  in so many forlon battle fields but this the camera gets in 3D and so we care. Where did Libya go? are we the happier? Will we ever know what goes on in Syria? What became of Afhagnistan and the families that wail at night for snatched cuddles and children that could have been? When you see crocodile turn and toss in their graves, it is for things like these, for their tears that we have monopolised. When we have blacks shot in American surburbs by Police, does it become an attack against humanity? What of the Mexicans dying in scores because they cannot get accross the border to never never land. How many boats the waves blast in the Mediterranean we have lost count but how relevant is that?

 I digress however, France we care, and so we change our profiles for thy sake, may  you remember us too. When we seek to visit your well lit streets may you not shut your borders. When we seek aid for insects and reptiles, hear thee our call. France, may your visa be as common place as a blister in the hand of a tropical labourer. May we find your language easier to grasp and passable in exams knowing well we might never use it beyond Cher mon amis!

 

France we stand for humanity, may you be found human too; not in just frailty but also in heart.

 

$TOH

The Ultimate Anifesto #Uganda Decides

While we pave our trenches and hope the Pope finds all dirt swept properly back under the bed, while we clap for the flowerbeds blossoming on our streets; while it is all and sundry, I stand to make a proposal. I promise you I was not aware it would rain at such a time otherwise I would have warned us to create a swamp in Lugogo to keep enough frogs which might drink the drain to dregs.

That aside, I must have missed the primaries but for whatever case, there was not that much money changing hands. Forget about the dollar noise and bribery issues; those incumbents that refused to win are traitors and must be disciplined accordingly. That is not what we teach and a stiker is employed and educated to make the score sheet not to whine and perspire through the ninety.

Who was beaten?, that cannot be true. You cannot rule out the possibility of some people cutting their wrists and undressing before cameras just to claim police highhandedness. Elections are supposed to be free and fair and it would be surprising if anyone thinks otherwise.

Let's talk crowds now. At the end of the day, what matters is the tally in the bag not the shirts and caps in still photos, coloured a dominant red or green whichever you prefer. My friend, crowds are overrated unless you are talking about the French Revolution, a relic dwarfed by modern right thinking voters. You could very easily be a computer guru but still only manage to gather kindergarten sojourners who have no idea what a nationa id looks like let alone how to cast the ballot. Who cares about noisy ingrates peddling social media hype when they will be playing golf on voting day; I am kidding they probably will be watching TV or at the beach-that vote counts a lot, don't you think?

 

I have heard in foreign countries that pre-ticked ballots, voting by candlelight and less candidates on ballots than the actual are a few of the stuff they have to deal with. That is baffling and cannot but be a fable of postcolonial myopia. For crying out, would you believe Skyfall selling a vote to the highest bidder? That is just Hollywood mantra and you my Ugandans know better than that. It is similar to having a party president run when you have time tested flag bearer still willing to skin the animal! You do not just skip the queue when the broth is steamy, get back to the bush son.

Camps, maskots and finger concortions. Ah, unless it is an epileptic situation, I find no pleasure in attempting to form meaningless finger formations to prove that I have something above my shoulders worth the time of this beautiful country. What is that even about? Are we hiphop artists now?, waving finger and hand motions to prove no point?

We should even do an Intellectual Property case on these colours and symbols. I heard one say that we should not sit on chairs anymore because they are his party symbol? All forests should pay taxes to the green party don't you think? I think music is our saving grace. If you want to be President not of the ghetto; sing or go home, rather, go hard or go home. It is a crucial skill, your lack of experience blights your consceintousness to what matters.

It is a fall, rise thing my friend, maybe the fifth time's a charm. By the way, at times you have to have a hairstyle represented just to even things out. Three horse races are overrated, we ought to throw in every ego just to spice up the pie. Afterall there is less to muzzle over after a score of pen pushing and an empty nest. Let us all line up for the ivory tower, shall we? It is a marathon, no need for heats, I say let's all dive in.

On another day we shall address the security question, but Today is no such day my friend. We do not put portions in each other's food that is for sure. Other issues will be updated in due course. It is unfortunate that my speech writer run out of ideas but he was fired so I should have fresh material for you soon. After all, 2021 is still far away, and this is still an anifesto- the "M" is still too precious to waste.

$TOH

What is killing our generals? - What no one else will tell you!

 As one from the great district of Rukungiri, I stand saddened by the loss of a gallant son of our hills and great example to many. Like every other Ugandan, I have had to do a crash course on your bio-not that Basim'ogenze was a great song but you know how these things be (sic).

 

I note with sadness that you were quite a package and in these hard times, a country cannot have too many of such distinguished gentlemen to spare. Not many institutions can ably churn out your qualifications coupled with the experience and level head you carried.

 

So I set out, like most Ugandans, to find out exactly what may have hastened you home. It is no crime to work too hard, Usain Bolt would agree and Kiprotich could revise; so that was not going to convince me. Cardio pulmonary whatever sounds smart but who is going to believe it? Thing is, for us who are not medically sophisticated, it does not register that something can arrest someone all of a sudden without days of pleading or something traditional at play. That would be too cruel to any soul even worse for a beautiful one like yours.

 

It is that time of the month, year, campaign season where we can use every kindling to harness the embers of our straw clutching political careers. Pedigree too, is not spared a baking on the altar of cheap popularity. Speeches have been written, wrongly dated releases have been transcribed and conspiracy after conspiracy theory has been advanced. At this rate we could easily develop a course on the subject.

 

Mayombo, Kazini, yourself sir? Is there a way this could be related, connected even? Everything is, these days; Amama, Sejjusa, your appointments or lack thereof; it is the dollar rate perhaps. Or wait a minute, were you in anyway aware of Illuminati? sorry, that is too debased to even deserve attention in the same breath as yourself sir.

 

So after sending pathologists and anthropologists to Dubai, via Kartoum on the way to Korea and perhaps Germany; after they had taken enough selfies and munched some pizza in nice hotels paid by Kiseka market tax payers, after they had combed their long forgotten medical terminology and dusted their passports-those who had them, the experts from Katakwi found something spectacular.

 

This is not news to you but as a broken record would sound, allow me to read you the final verdict of the Coroner's Inquest. "You, General (pause, clears throat) have died of death and all of us should take a chill pill and let the bereaved mourn their beloved".

 We owe you that much.

 

R.I.P General Aronda Nyakairima

$TOH

Pangs of the Nile Ebook ready!!!

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/557979

Beauty problems complete first season available for download

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KARMAMA DOESN’T BESIEGE M27

 

You must understand that life in Uganda doesn’t necessarily depend on Andrew Mwenda’s opinion, or does it? If you are a fisherman, your role is to cast hooks and throw spears into the lake. Anything with bait is in fact better. In case you come back empty handed, no one can blame you. The problem is definitely the lake’s and the fish that didn’t bite.

“I appointed you, I have been your employer for forty years; I made you young man”

“No you did not. I am a professional and I have been loyal all these years doing all your not so tidy laundry”

“Is that because you are clean, or have you been through some deep sea ablution of late. So what are we up about anyway?”

“I think it is time up, you better hand over peacefully or we will make you”

“Who is this we, and when did you get the courage to talk to me like that?”

“I speak for so many that you have no idea about, and you forget that I have been in charge of many rosters from the grassroots to this very office”

“I do not know which woman in confusing you, or what it is you drank but you are sure not in your right mind. Go and sleep over it, we will resume this conversation when your mind is clearer in the morning”

“That is not necessary because, I am actually here to hand in my resignation”, he slapped a folder on the table.

“In that case, it won’t be necessary, you are fired with immediate effect. Do not forget that I am a bulldozer. I crush whatever stands in my way. I have you where I want you and you will soon find out who the boss is”

Beyond the river lies a world unknown. If you have never crossed the land you might be tempted to think you discovered it when you eventually do. Only to find that there are citizens complete with red slippers to wade off the discomfort. Times to make apologies and times to stick to a game pan and hope it works out, which will it be?

Are you wiser now, or were they right after all? Have they run out of their ammunition or it is time for them to start eating from their sweat. Alas you, pretty boy from Kololo, have fallen from up, up higher than humpty high. Dumped in the rubble of commonplace you may not realize that we eat the rolex that shines on your hand. We struggle when the dollar bites but you might never know.

We are back to the grind, and the millet keeps rolling under the stone. Between the rock and hard place rock; are you going to make it to Mbale? Did you think you would anyway or it was one of those “I will tell you when I will tell you...” Who stands to lose?

I wanna know what is exactly going on behind that shilling promiscuity but guess what, the front page does not tell because big boys do not agree. At what point do we believe this is not personal? How about you join the boys who’ve trodden the Kiira police cells so long they carry mosquito nets?

#When a nation is a cattle pen…

$TOH

 

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 26

“What did he want?’ Maggie asked drying her hair with a mini towel with a green kanga wrapper hugging her body, bust downwards.

“It wasn’t him, some other guy, mbu Muna has been arrested” Rita said

“So why would they call me, mscheew” drying hair while bending on one side as if to droop some water from the ear. “am I like his emergency contact or wot?”

“You should know, now you are even asking me, since you were the last person he called, maybe…”

‘Maybe what?, ate nawe otandise, if he has been arrested can’t they call his parents or friends…me? , as who? “

“Owaye tombogorera, why am I even having this conversation” Rita rose up from the bed and headed to her side, “Anyway, the guy said they would pick you up for some questioning”

Maggie had curled up a bun into the towel to one side, she paused and looked at Rita, hair equally silent inside the towel. Rita shrugged and walked out of the room.

‪#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 25

“Who was that?” Goldie asked

“Who…err on phone, no one well...” his wife stammered

“Don’t play dumb with me, I know when you are hiding something. Who was that on phone, was it your boyfriend?” he advanced toward her with just briefs and a towel around his neck

“You are still drunk, it was nothing…and anyway none of your business” she put the phone on the table and rolled a plait playfully around her pointing finger as if to ignore him

“ Don’t dare call me drunk. Woman” He scooped the phone off the table and scrolled to previous calls “Muna, oba” he read“ Who is Muna?”

“First of all Goldie, how dare you check my phone?” She stood up and went behind the chair which she now held onto with both hands.

“You are my wife, I can check anything I want, and do not forget I am the one who bought this phone, in case you have forgotten, I buy everything in this house to your very tiniest bit of cloth”

“So what? can’t I have privacy, do I ever check your phone?”

“Hahahaha, don’t humour me, I am the man here, that is how it works”

The phone rang again this time in Goldie’s hands

Hey both stared at it, Goldie like a frying kilo of pork to a hungry pensioner ready to pounce. To the wife, it was like a forbidden animal riding up the mosque stairs.

Same concept but different problems. It is a beauty thing

Madam was shaking uncontrollably with visible perspiration on her brow.

‪#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 24

Rita let the phone ring for a while then lifted it from the floor where it had fallen after excessive vibration. “It is even Muna” she said to herself.

She went to the bathroom and called out “Maggie, Muna is calling off the chain, you might wanna find out what he wants”

“Muna my foot, what does he want?” came a voice from one of the cubicles.

“I didn’t pick of course, how then am I supposed to know what he wants”

“Bambi help me, just pick and tell him not to waste my time”

“Why don’t you tell him yourself”

“Bambi oso you, just pick and tell him to back off, he has been trying to vibe me but you know he is not my type, he is damn broke and plus a classmate, like seriously”

“That is yo crap, why does he still call then, maybe you led him on or something”

“Just pick and tell him I am not interested in talking to him, and hung up”

Rita hesitated then picked then scrolled to receive. She headed back to the room to avoid the noise of splashing water.

“Hello?” Rita said

“Hello Maggie” an unfamiliar voice spoke, “ Are you his girlfriend or sister?’

“Hell no, I am Rita, Maggie’s roommate and none of us is Muna’s anything. Just classmates, if he has lost his phone, just bring it to campus and give it to the guards”

“Well, this was one of the numbers he last called, and unfortunately he has been arrested for something very bad”

“Arrested?... anyway, he probably was discussing classwork with Maggie so there is no reason for you to call her “

“We will need to speak to Maggie later, you know just a few questions, nothing to worry about, we will pick her up shortly”

“Okay I will tell her, but I do not think she would know anything, you are barking up the wrong tree”
‪#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 23

“I came in to clean, then he told me to close the door, then he pounced on me and pulled my blouse, he said he would kill me if I screamed, wululu, yamawe” she screamed even louder

“Calm down, we are here now” The guard said

“She is lying, comeon, do I look like I can even touch an ugly myopic cleaner?’Muna pleaded

The guard rested a flat boot in Muna’s lower spine. “Ouch…”Muna shrieked as a ton of overcharged current spiraled to his neck, “I’ll sue you idiot, so you have a warrant and don’t you know I have rights”
“Shut up that stupid mouth or I’ll put my boot inside it” the guard rolled Muna’s hands behind him and ushered him out of the room.

“At least let me get my shirt and trousers” Muna lamented

“You should have thought of that before you advanced on the poor girl”

Moments later, the guard returned to the room and picked up the phone, clothes and wallet.
“Hello, is this Mrs. Golde” the guard said, “your son..”

“which son?”, “ I do not know what you are talking about” she retorted

“ I thought you were his mom, because he..”

“Well you though wrong and please do not call my number again”

“We will still need to ask you a few questions so we will call you later?”

“ I told you I have no idea what you are calling me about and please don’t waste my time again”

‪#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 22

He heard a key turn in the door. Seated on the edge of the bed, he stared and waited. The knob turned and then a floor-polishing machine was wheeled in as a young lady in an apron followed behind as the door steadily opened to allow the new company.

“Sorry sir, didn’t know there was someone, can I come back later?” she asked

“Come back later, why did you come in the first place, which school did you go to?, of course none but which filthy parents bore you who can’t teach you manners? do you just enter people’s rooms without knocking?”

“I am sorry sir but it is 11:00 already and check out is 10:00...I thought...”

“You thought what? Does that shell handing over there have any thinking capacity? Nonsense…check out my foot (he picked up the bill and waved it at her) have you ever touched 600,000 in your life or has anyone in your clan? hmmn..” he advanced toward her naked but for the briefs. She stepped to the side

“Am I buying a cow? Three hours and you are telling me check out when I have paid my money?”

“But sir…..”

“Don’t ‘but’ me…omanyir’ani gwe?”

“wulululu…wululu…” she shouted and curled in the corner removing her apron and unbuttoning her blouse, “he is raping me….wulululu”

‪#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 21

“Mrs. Goldie speaking, who am I talking to?”

“ Muna here, ah..er, was confirming…”

“So you saved the number?”

“Well you left it on the bill so...”

“Did I? phoows, I guess I did, ya so it is I indeed” She scatched her upper lip and frowned almost smiled
“Yes ma’am, ah well thank you for last night it wa…” he let his tongue rub in and out the left corner of his mouth.

“Come on young man, don’t mention it, but don’t get to used to it, I am a married woman you know” She bit her lip and walked to the bedroom door, tried the knob and realized it was still locked.
“Of course I understand”

“Er...and one more thing, you do not call me ever again, I call you or not, that’s the way it works”
“But I am the guy, Umm you know…” he returned the steam that he imagined to be thrust at him through the receiver. He liked a good sauna experience, not this kind though.

“Not in this arrangement you are my side chick, did you look at the Bill? Of course you did, hope you didn’t just look at my number and not the figures at the bottom?, do you ever hold that kind of money?”

“Maybe…bur...”

“So you should put your head to as good a use as your …u know” she attempted to sound seductive in a coarse way. An old carrot stick tool women used to emasculate a fella with a huge grin on his face as if to say, “go on baby!”

(Hang up dial tone) She had heard or thought she did, some movement and so swiped the call out.
Muna stared at the phone in disbelief. “Stupid b***s” he muttered

“How dare she called me a side what, mscheew”

(Never mind I’ll find someone like you…nananana) Adele piped on another ballad.

Muna sat for a time with nothing in particular going on in his head. Just a pair of eyes looking at nothing and ears that just let the music go through one side and come out the other.

Sometimes, the beauty of art and other aesthetics was wasted on an audience that appreciated no more than a cow did a chunk of well-roasted steak.

‪#‎Let‬ the drama begin (katandika butandisi)
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 20

He picked up the phone and glanced at the caller id. “Maggie”, he let it ring. “What does she want?, coursework assignments are done” he let it ring for a while then picked it up again.

“What?” he sneered

“Eh, maama, nga yo rude. Hi Muna?” Maggie greeted

“I am okay, you?”

“I am fine thank you for asking”

“Well?”

“Straight to the point ...huh okay, anyway I just called to say, you know…like I have been missing you, just to catch up n stuff”

“Don’t stuff me one bit? and listen carefully Maggie, do not complicate things for yourself; you just come to my place, I help you with class work, we happen and that’s it.”

“Yaa I know, but daint mean we can’t talk, does it?”

“Talk what? shoes, make up, Kardashian, Caitylin manya Bruce Jenner crap? What? Do you watch soccer, do you know any player of the (Y)Juventus line up?”

Silence
“I thought not, don’t waste ma ****time ****, see you next sem, same drill otherwise you do not know me, and…” (Hung up dial tone)

“B****” he threw the phone on the bed and fell backwards on the pillow with his hands clasped at the back of his head.

“We could have had it all, rollin’ in the deep….nananana..” Adele pitched through the small speakers hanging to one corner.

# To be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 19

Muna rubbed his eyes and scanned the surroundings. Not much save for the massive bed on which he had moments ago lay curled between two white pillows with a matching silk-white sheet undulating between his legs. Very unlike his modest hostel room, he could tell. Scenes from the previous night flashed though his mind incoherently.

He raised his head to a humpty thumping of base drums doing freestyle in his head. He dumped back on to the pillow before jerking more resolutely and standing onto the bed. He realized his feet were not the only anatomy at attention so he roughed up the beddings before noticing his briefs lying on the bathroom door. He just picked up a thick cream towel and rolled it around himself before sitting at the edge of the bed.

He picked a hotel bill from the table. and read the logo (Collin Hotel Mukono). He skimmed through the breakdown of costs and rushed to the total UGX 655,000! “Cleared”, read the stamp with an initialed signature and small case nomenclature; as bad as Mayweather's save for the missing duck. “Probably the manager's”,

He shrugged and turned the paper, “0772….Mrs. Goldie”, it read. Married? Ah, she had told him but he had said if it was okay with her, it was with him too. She had told him not to be overly attached but she was the one who had left the number. That was not something to donate some valuable thought to at the moment. He just left a mental sticky note.

He folded the paper and put in his wallet. Two notes of 5K each were all he saw in his brown leather (It was Chines made so it could me anything, maybe from hide "Maybe that is also called leather") Another mental sticky note, this one he coloured brown and let the previous one stay blue.

He thought about the 650K and deflated a bit. The pounding was even louder and more creative in his head so he headed to the coffee maker. “If only I had stuck to my water, but then I might not have ended up here” He felt guilty for not feeling guilty enough about his circumstances.

# To be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 18

He tossed and turned, threw the covers away and lay looking at the ceiling unashamed if ever the room could frown on his nakedness. For moments on end, he stared blankly at the chandelier as the tipsy film of whisky cascaded into his veins reducing the mist and crimson in his eyes.

He could hear his wife talking and chuckling on phone but he knew not whom it was that made her extremely juiced up in such frail marital circumstances. “Perhaps, one of her random boyfriends” he thought but not with a ring of concern. Where did she find such boldness to start cheating in his house? “Me Goldie!” he mumbled with painful effort. 

His inebriated mind scampered through his daily hustle of moneymaking and cost cutting with an overarching theme of knight in shining armor laboring for his Cinderella. He had a mind to spit but his surroundings restrained the impulse. “How ungrateful could she be?” a macho voice shivered through his spine deflating the blood flow in his groin. His chest sank into a deeper hollow he had never before known to exist.

A sudden rush and his bladder pleaded for attention. Goldie walked giddily to the bathroom, circled the bathtub with a spray of crescent flow all the while staring at the cistern and smiling at his wanton liberty.

He scampered back to the room and sprawled face down on the woolen carpet in his birth suit.

‪#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 17

She pulled the phone from the matching purse and pressed the power button. Thirty-five missed calls from her husband, she swiped to Norah’s number and dialed.

“Hey babe, home already” Norah asked.

“Kale bi guy bimanyira, can you imagine I greeted him and he jam?” Mrs. Goldie placed the iPhone hands free on the table and busied about with her hair.

“What did he say?” Norah asked

“Hmm, babe, anti I greeted him, ‘Hi darling, honey’ you know, in my ka romantic voice”

“I know you, you can give them guys jelly knees with that voice of yours” Norah, chuckled and led her friend on.

“Okitegera? So nga, he’s all there drinking whisky, nga his ga eyes are all oba how? lol”

“He was drunk again; did he ask where you had been?”

“Yaa, anti you wait I tell you, so he asks where I was, I tell him I was out..nga doesn’t he all fume and lock himself in the bedroom?”

“Kale that’s so lame, as if a Mummy’s boy..mbu now he has sulked or what?”

“ Me Norah, I tell you…Goldie is just amusing, he wants to go around and do all he wants, and me I stay home and cook food he won’t eat, wash his clothes…you know, at least if he could buy takeaway and bring , we eat”

“ I know duh, imagine your pretty nails peeling matooke and that foundation and mascara in smoke, kale he should style up, he should just increase your salary and chill, stop asking stupid questions. You are the babe, you can do the heck what you want, if he wants you he has to keep begging. Yo even doing that brat a favour”

“Anyway, thanks for the advice, now I do not have to rot in this kyi house and grow fat like a houzie. Naye Nora that ka Muna boy….”

“Babe, hubby might hear you, (shh), anyway campus guys are cool and cheap , no stress”

“Hubby my foot, I bet Goldie is snoring like a snout by now, like I care…kasita now I know how to take care of my needs, he can snore till Lukwago becomes President”

“Babe be careful, you are married you know, so you have to be like extra sharp”

“Raax (relax), I gat this”

‪#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS EPISODE 16

“Hi honey”, she said as she unstrapped the red heels and folded the draping spring collection Dolce and Gabbana couture.

“Do not honey me, where are you coming from”, Goldie asked as he cast a pair of bloodshot cornea at his wife. She proceeded to the bedroom bending sideways to remove a pair of matching ear rings.

“Gimme a break, where have I been indeed, when did it matter when any of us was away? Like you even care”, she threw the shoes on the fur carpet next to the master bed and returned to the living room. Goldie was now staring blankly at the motion pictures dancing on the screen, on the glass concave table lay a half-full glass of whisky on the rocks that were thawing steadily.

“Well, since you ask, I have been out with the girls and unlike you, I cared to come home sober and collected. Looks like for distillation chambers like you, sobriety is more truncated than chivalry or perhaps they rank pari passu”.

“Woman, don’t dare speak to me like that, not in my house worst of all. My patience may not be as elastic as your virile generosity. I will not have such nonsense in this house. I work my *** off, pay every **** bill on top of feeding you and you cannot even sit still and wait for me?” He jostled up and slammed into the bedroom locking his wife out of it.

“You amuse me Goldie, My bad that I could not anticipate the hollowness of that beautiful face of yours when I was fooled and drunk with emotion. Go ahead; lock me out, do I ever ask where you have been? Oh, no wait, of course I am a rug to wait at the door for my master and never ask why the shoes stepping on my lovely hair are always dirty. I am young you should know. If you thought, pant wearing creatures were extinct, shock on you…we’ll see who has the last laugh”, she chuckled as if to rehearse a victory lap!


# To be continued
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BEAUTY PROBLEMS Episode 15

“Tequila please”, Mrs. Goldie pushed a fifty thousand shilling note to the waiter

“Hello”, Muna said

“Hey”, she said “ Is that mineral water?”, he nodded, “ no way”

“Yes way”, he was surprised that she was this forthcoming. He had been told that beautiful ladies at the club put off a sort of air for strangers. The stereotype had not dissuaded him from trying but he thought it would take him a lot more effort to even get as much as a “hi” back. A “Hey” was well off the top shelf. “Tequila I can see”, he said as the lady got her drink.

“May I?” she said as she adjusted the high stool next to him pushing the tripod towards his Adidas flops

“Yaa..yaa, sure”, he lent a hand, not too close but he could smell the momentary assault of Calvin Klein toilette.

“Ya Tequila, it is, what’s with you and the tee-totaling?”,

“Just want to think about a few things, need a cool head for that sometimes, I am Muna by the way, and are you gorgeous or what?” she rubbed the bridge of her nose

“Thanks, I am Goldie”,

“Goldie?, nice name”, she sipped and rubbed her glass nonchalantly. He continued, “My first time out here, do you grace this place often?”

“Not really, been a while actually, It’s cold aint it?”

“The AC’s to sharp here I guess”, he said looking at the Carrier set up on the wall above them. She followed his gaze in a way that seemed to suggest that she had a different theory about the source of the temperature.

‪#‎To‬ be continued

‪$TOH

Beauty Problems episode 14

“You can’t possibly be talking about the same guy?”, interjected Nora

“Are you saying that I do not know my own husband,… are you?”, asked Mrs. Goldie

“Of course not but, he can’t be that cruel, call you barren and all that stuff? It just makes me cringe. He looks like a responsible man to me”

“You reach a point and realize that all men are the same, you leave your career, goals and for what?,
watering plants and dusting sofas? all men are just…., I am actually seriously contemplating on leaving him”,

“Come on, don’t be so hasty, there’s a lot at stake, (she thought for a moment) you said he gives you an allowance?”,

“Yes, about seven hundred k a month, some change here and there, why?”

“Anti, you know how jobs be (sic). You need to at least first get him to put like one house in your name, then you pull the plug”

“No Nora, we may have our differences but I am not a b***h, I can make my own money”

“You are playing in things, madam, besides that fool’s gotta pay for trashing a sweet darling like you. By the way, you are still hot and all but don’t that forget you are off the shelf at least in the marital field. If you can’t make him jealous by hooking up or kale, just lil flirting some younger dude he won’t respect you”,

“Nora, you are over reactive, that I knew, but now your imagination is too wild. No wonder you are still grassing, who would marry you with that attitude?”

“You see, marriage is ….(hesitates) not for losers kale but, not the thing for me right now. A kyi guy controlling me and mbu wash, cook…bla bla bla, (thumb and pointing finger adjusts the fake pearl necklace) with these my cute nails?, ebu let him buy a washing machine or something; why did you rush anyway?”

“If it is for judging me, I am not interested in telling you my stories. Anyway you never keep a guy for more than one night so what would you know”,

“Calm down babe, just get a kid and if he thinks it is his, you are in business. Whether you want dime of yo kyi proud hunk, your choice. But a kid my friend, that is a woman’s proposal ring!”

“You would know, right?”,

“Just saying”

‪#‎to‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 13

“Rita, have u recently seen the other dashing man who vibed you ?” Tracy asked

“I am vibed all the time, how can I remember a random guy”

“Twar’eri, show off just, I mean that guy who found you in the common room some evening”
“No, why?”
“Saw him at Gabiro’s last night”
“Good for you”, she turned the sleeve of her blouse inside out and moved over it with the hot iron not bothered.

“Tell me you are not jelasy”
“Why should I be?”
“Come on babe, guy is hot and loaded, I know you are interested. He even told me
he is single”

“You really amuse me Tracy, if you cared to ask, you would know that I love my guys strictly white, 6’7, six packed, soccer players or you know such nice actors with long hair, he must have a real deep voice, you know like a deep hoarse baritone; fast sports care and you know like super romantic”

“Hehehe, I will volunteer to get you some clay, but on a serious note, Goldie is tall and generally good looking…with that accent of Kabale, how will you get a white guy, just tell him to bleach”, she sipped and rubbed the dew off the cold glass, ruffled through her hair and slowly willed the hang over to dissipate.
“ You are the one who was with him last night, you probably slept with him and now you are flossing your left overs”

“There goes the jealous co-wife. Relax, I just took a few shots off his tab but nothing happened, besides it is you he wants, me I like my Bakonjo men, down to earth and all…hehehehe” she stood up and headed to the showers.

‪#‎to‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 12

He pressed the start button, typed the machine from hibernation and resumed with the coursework. She sat on the bed with a hand mirror applying shades of red and re aligning the arcs above her eyes.

“You don’t even need any make up, besides it’s not like you are going out on a date”, he said this as he inserted page numbers.

“Owaye, bulungi kwefaako, you have to keep the cake hot” she laughed and it sounded like a ring of Christmas carols

He checked his offline thesaurus and replaced the word “lien” with “claim”. He read the leading judgment from the case of Lynn & Main Incorporated against the Naidoos, thought about quoting the ratio decidendi but decided to paraphrase. “ I have even made yours better than mine, hope you don’t beat me”
“Tell me I don’t deserve it, you think the last few minutes were cheap?”

“Pari...maateerai...( he typed as he spelt)...Emphasis on few” he winked at her and she just smiled. "Perfecto dentilitis" such a term must exist somewhere, he thought!

“We both know who should carry that cross. Anyhow, unlike you guys, we just have to …. Our…. And get things done”, she rubbed off a stray scarlet line at the edge of the mouth.

He looked at her with a pinch of empathy. At that time when Adam slept, The hand had picked out the best rib, sewed it with the finest tapestry of sinews and draped it with a flow of smooth brown skin. Her skeleton did not over reach its province and the extensions properly utilized their liberty in proper quantities and at opportune places. Was she heading to the airtime seller, the KFC manager or the gatekeeper?

Most of his friends teased him to be a chapatti and rolex “siika”, or worse a man from jigger ville. He thought himself lucky to have something to offer to someone like Maggie and get a bite off the cherry in return. He felt his conscience come crashing down his spine and jerked out of the stare.

“Return to sender” he said handing the flash disk to Maggie
“It’s nice doing business with you”

“ Pleasure’s all mine. Neera, neera”

‪#‎to‬ be continued
$TOH

Beauty Problems episode 11

She ran her fingers through his hair but he seemed preoccupied with clerkish typing on the QWERTY keyboard. Occasionally she looked at the words filling up the monitor screen between the sky blue background but did not commit her attention entirely. Equity and Trusts was one of those indurate subjects and a coursework on sequestration exacerbated the task for most students.

Munna was arguably the brightest and most hardworking guy in the class no wonder he had printed out the 12 pages of properly cited work in three days, weeks before handing in time.

She was not about to drown her nights in endless law reports and Statutes. So on this drizzly Saturday evening, she went to St. Micheal Hostel to consult with the one authority readily available. He would probably be reading a Biography or something like that and he had always been a reliable friend. She hoped he would as often he did, edit and play around with his own work instead of dictating to her endless legalese and precedents for her to decipher. She knocked and entered, he never locked the door. He turned his head and when he saw her, he said,

“Hi, wassup?"

“Good good” she turned the key and headed to the chair. She wrapped her hands across his neck and let her perfume rub seamlessly to his cheek. He raised his arms and locked them briefly over her hair.

“What are you doing?” she asked

“Just playing some chess”

“Chilling when we are suffering with course work… ah mama”

“Waa, that one was not so complicated, so why not finish it and relax”

“ I will teach you how to relax rather than playing those dull games…naye, please first help me ko oso”

“ No problem, gimme a flash disk”

The weather had done its moiety and so he did not need much convincing. He could feel her foot ascending the outlines of his blue jeans and he clicked Ctrl + S, the Bibliography could wait. Maggie rolled over and unstrapped her tie and dye DVF wrap dress.

‪#‎to‬ be cont…
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 10

He walked towards the kitchen and the fireplaces were worse than a stone-cold tomb in a sullen graveyard. He opened the fridge to a biting chill of frozen steak and cabbage.

He looked at the sink, clogged with utensils lined with greasy remains of decaying foodstuffs the crumbs of which were attracting a train of black ants. He saw a cockroach jump out of his cup and head down the drain. Chime leaped towards the gullet but he stomped out of the place in time to avoid whitewashing the dining table.

Back in the sitting room, his wife lay curled in the settee with her palms firmly clutching a pillow leaning parallel from chin to belly.

“Sleep, that is all you know”, He shouted scaring her to sitting position. “A married man cannot even get decent breakfast in his own house when the woman is just sleeping in expensive sofas all day and night, do you even know that those things cost an arm and a leg?, but how would you?, a spoilt piece of skirt"
“Shut up your drunken mouth, and don't abuse me like that", she said pointing her index towards his nose, "do you have a maid whom you pay to cook for you, so that you you start shouting like a kasuku?” She retorted

“Look at you, shamelessly abusing a man like me. Did I marry you to increase my water and electricity bills?, What do you do for me for example, you can’t give me a decent night, no food, yet you keep asking me for money?”

“Go me slow sebbo" she stood up, her negligee creased from all angles, " do not think that because by doing you a favour and becoming your wife I can’t do anything else. Don’t forget I was the best in my class and my degree has not molded.”

“Degree indeed, those marks which you got by sleeping with lecturers are the ones you are talking about, hehehe, if you were that bright would you have allowed to become a house wife like a p.5 drop out?, whore just, no wonder you can’t even give birth. You probably murdered all your eggs all that time you aborted with those older men”


“What did you call me?” She dropped back into the seat, a tear rolled on her cheek and she did not bother to wipe it off. “If it was not for you spending all those nights with young girls would you not find your wife waiting?, all you do is come drunk smelling like ammonia and jumping on people like a beast. How can you say I aborted, that is unfair, a lie and you know it. Am I God, am I the one who gives children?” she looked in his eyes and he returned a cold stare, “ it might even be you who cannot...but because I am a woman you are blaming me”

“ There you go again with your theatrics, let me assure you though, I am a man and I can do what I want, when I want, you better be available when I need you and you damn better clean my house and start serving me warm meals. I can get a child elsewhere but I cannot stand a lazy woman in my house, nonsense”. He slammed the door and drove off.

$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 9

        Take me in your arms and release me not,
         To fairyland and sugar candy mounts of yonder,
          Take my soft palm in yours and forbid me not,
           Let all the hallowed beauties gaze in wonder…

“ Rila?” , Tracy knocked on the door. Rita had been going through her morning motions-call it a ritual of reciting a few verses of “Selected Poems by Matsiko Godwin”,

“Yes dear, she answered as she sauntered towards the door, turned the key and handle before letting her friend in. She was yet to take a shower but it was a Saturday so there was no hurry.

She slid the curtain to the left and squinted at the bright rays bouncing off the dressing mirror. Maggie turned to the wall and continued her light steady breathing.

“ Kontango, Kontango, papa kontango..yuwa leegi..yo legi..”, the Askari attempted the chorus of “Go down low by Sheba and Pallaso “ and was unbothered that her syllables were no close to the original in melody or meaning.

For the high notes, her mouth kept open and the singing went on in her head but certainly no sound!

A passerby muttered to herself, “ You sure should keep your day job”, The Askari did not hear, not that she would have understood the sarcasm either; the sharp bristles held together by black rubber near her hand kept a steady swooshing motion as the dust, paper wrappers and water bottles collected toward the hostel entrance.

Mrs. Kaheneso spent half the night tossing and turning in one of the couches. Her reddened eyes drenched a pool of wetness under her head and she rolled and turned in her tears wondering if she would ever cry again.

She would dose off and see a host of campus girls chasing her with sharp nails that would turn into knives that aimed for her heart. She would scream and mean to run but her legs constantly betrayed her and remained transfixed on the ground.

As the girls closed in, they laughed ghastly hyena laughter and she saw bloodthirsty canines overlapping the lower lip all the way to the chin.

In the bedroom, her husband tired and relieved of the previous night’s tension, undressed nonchalantly, lifted the duvet, rolled under it and slept like a baby till sunrise. ‪

#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 8

He drove the car into the garage, closed the door and headed upstairs to the living room. He dropped the car keys on the tray by the door and loosened his tie in a haphazard motion as he headed to the bedroom.

“Hi honey?”, He said.

“Hi my foot, where are you coming from?”, She shouted as she stood up from the bed to face him but he continued to fumble with his shirt buttons albeit now slower. His face labored to conjure up a more endearing welcome to perhaps elude the escapade reeling in.

“Eh, madam…mpora mpora…”, He said eventually, trying his best to ignore the staccatos punctuating the one sentence his livid wife had so far afforded.

“Where are you from?”, she insisted, turning his chin straight above her forehead. “It is late in the night and a married man is just walking in on a woman who has no idea where he was..?”, he was not sure what the question was but he did not need to provide an answer for she continued, “Am I a flower or a security guard in this house, to just to open the door for you?”

“This is my house and I can do the dickens what I want. If that is too much for you, I doubt you have forgotten the route that brought you. It is women like you who are the disgrace to society. We do you a favor and marry you and suddenly you are rambling rules and regulations…., if I were you, I would get those wrinkled claws off this handsome face and mind my immaterial business”.

By this time the words were rolling off his tongue like a type writer.

“Ingrate…”, he let the last word hang midair to the desired effect-a dagger straight to her right ventricle. She let go of his chin in recoil and wells of dew clouded her eyes like a wounded dove that was too afraid to cry. She slowly walked out of the room as he kicked off his shoes and sat on the bed to remove the stockings.

Rita left Sombe Supermarket and headed to her room minutes before her roommate did. As she was removing the earphones and rolling them in her hand, Maggie walked in with the hood still flapping onto her forehead and ducked under the covers without even bothering to undress or notice her still-awake roommate. Rita thought the better of her initial desire to greet Maggie or indulge in any form of communication.

She texted Tracy that she was back, switched off the light and joined in on a Disney fanfare.

$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 7

She grabbed a bathrobe and headed for the door. She had dreamily ordered room service from a menu she could hardly decipher, let alone make a culinary attempt at its recipes. She closed the door, pushed the spiced yellow slices of potato fries around the plate with a fork clasped by just two fingers and occasionally nibbled at the tasteless French fries and cucumber.

She was glad to have already submitted her coursework assignment and that he had paid her upfront. She was unlikely going to get another client for the night but the previous one she had kind of liked-almost awkwardly attached. She offloaded a slow mo slap that heated up and Usain Bolted to her cheek at the sprint gap almost depressing the shiny dimple but certainly melting off the remains of Victoria Secrets’ foundation.

Fantasy aside, a girl had to survive!

She had half a mind not to touch the bathroom tap and she wiped it aggressively with disinfectant and emptied the tin onto the tiles, washed it down with splashes of maximally heated water before she could use the facilities. Moments later, she checked out of the room, pulled the hood to her forehead and flagged down a passing boda boda.

He had managed to ease the rapturous tension that had welled up that evening and dulled at the snap of a manicured middle finger and thumb. Generosity had visited him more liberally on this particular occasion and he would have been the more glad except that all his money had ended up in the drawer of a ominous creature by the hostel gate, Colline Hotel and now this “not good looking-bird in sheets her father could never think of buying”, he let this off with a distasteful snigger to an audience of one.

The blue jaguar let off a clear friendly waste of unleaded as it mowed over the soft mud and tar up and down the hill towards Seeta. Tracy walked through the gate a pair of strings hanging from her ears like a climbing stem on a tree that could gladly use the extra energy for itself.

$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 6

She watched him pick up a white towel from the carpet, wrap it around himself and head to the bathroom. She pulled a loose sheet and covered her chest with it. Through the slight opening of the bathroom door she could hear slow steady trickles of warm water fall onto his body, bounce off to the wall and onto the shiny tiles and through the hair stopper to the underground. Mist formed on the inside of the bathroom door and so did his form vanish in the cloud of white.

A stubborn tear rolled down her plump cheek, ignored the shiny dimple and headed for the soft mattress. She pulled the sheet to her face well aware that the chill was more resolved than the porous piece of cloth.

He thought about the past few minutes. The passion had been instinctive but far from mind encapsulating. It was never taught in geography class that volcanoes let off their strength in an embarrassing anticlimax. He came out of the bathroom and quietly got back into his clothes. He glanced at the bed and knew she was pretending to be asleep. Back in the car he drove off into the night. Off the radio, a high-pitched auto tuned voice melodized Akon’s first song. Both of them would have related.

She felt the empty space next to her, replaced it with a smiling plump shape of fur and sobbed to Hawaii.

$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS (episode 5)

“So this guy ..kale bi guy bimanyira, mbu…kyoka..hmmn, he thinks because he’s hot and rich and simanyi wot he can just walk up to me and…” Rita started

“First tell me babe, how did you meet, was it on campus or somewhere else?”, Tracy cut in.

“Met?, be serious, have you heard me talk about him before?”, Tracy shook her head if for anything to let her friend skip to the more juicy aspects of the conversation. “ me I was just in the common room and I saw the guy coming in and start jazzing me, kale of course my heart was beating fast, coz the guy is tall and u know…bur, I didn’t want to show him that I was that easy, you know” Rita said.

“ So yo playing hard to get, with a dude like that? Com ooon”, Tracy rolled her eyes and waved some hand formation to whom it may concern. “ May be you’ve met somewhere and you just don’t remember".

Tracy stood up from the bed, headed to the dressing mirror and started re aligning her plaits. “ Nope, it just happened… kinda too good to be true, you know how guys be “. Rita spoke with a laid back confidence that nerve pressed Tracy.

“ What if you never see him again, you could at least have been nice, you know, just casual” Tracy said, as she browsed through her phone then reached for the photo app, tilted the gadget slightly angled from the chin until the replica was flattering enough, pout and click.

“ Bur you chick and selfies?”, Rita said turning to admire the photo that Tracy was grid-editing through.

“ Owaye, Sinz’eyalet’enakku”, the other said with a slight ring of cynicism.

They laughed at no particular joke.

In the parking lot, Goldie waved down the windows for some air then raised them again before pressing the auto button. He was not really waiting on anyone but just taking his time to leave. What was the hurry? He glanced at the lit windows some floors up and knew Rita to be in one of those rooms. Off the car radio, John Legend continued to croon in fantasy.

$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 4

Goldie’s right thumb scratched at something under his chin near the neck. “I can’t believe I haven’t known her full name yet”, he muttered and clenched the keys harder. He had found her exactly where she was said to be at that time. She might have been more engaged by the Telenovela on Bukedde but he had approached her towards the end of the episode so it could not have been that. Somehow, none of the other girls were in the common room at the time and he had baffled at his luck.

He slowly turned and walked to the entrance and made to sign out of the visitor’s book.

“Is vel ot diz day” the female askari said in an accent that faithfully represented a dialect that had annihilated a number of syllables.

“Hot, ahh”, he said, clearly uninterested but just then his common sense got the better of him and he reached for his wallet and slid a brand new twenty shilling note in the drawer beyond the knees of the askari.

“Sencyu, offisaaaaaaaa,..eh…u’ve finis wiz yo gal fwend?, ofisa, dis work is not easy, but sencyu…”, she rambled on with a huge smile that revealed yellow coatings arced with black lines near the red gum. He felt a pungent assault unleash on his nostrils causing a sudden mutiny in his stomach.

Goldie quickly thanked the askari and headed to the parking lot. “Bseveni should give you big job in his white house sir….,” He heard her voice trailing as he pressed the unlock button of his key bundle. ‪

#‎To‬ be continued $TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 3

“Rila…” Someone called out. He turned to the left and saw another girl coming down the stairs. She was fine though less endearing than “Ril…” He was yet to pick the name.

“Yes Tricai”, She responded picking on the accent attack cadenced by the incoming.

“Uhhm, sorry, didn’t realize you had company”, suddenly whispering but loud enough for him to hear, “ He’s hayt…hmmn, some!!” (wink) , “Hieya, handsome,” Tracy said, looking at Goldie who was not sure whether this was the perfect escape from the awkwardness or a foil to what could have possibly matured.

“Hi”, He said rather nonchalantly. The air that had earlier filled his chest had since dissolved in his cooling blood and he felt no better than a balloon hanging in a grocery store in Kabwohe a month before Christmas.

“ Uhm, maybe I should come laiers, Rila”, Tracy said. She turned the chewing gum to the left side and continued to cud.

“No babe, was waiting for you dtzur, let’s skip”, Rita switched off the common room TV and moved past Goldie to the corridor without as much as a glance at the fixture of the man.

Tracy followed at a more leisurely pace and let her shoulder rub Goldie’s upper arm slowly before she turned her head a slight arc and moved her right fingers in the air as if Pragmo playing a jazz line at Gattomato.

She blew a small ball of the gum before gathering it back beyond her red lined lips.

He returned the wave and watched the two girls disappear to their rooms.

‪#‎To‬ Be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 2

The third time, her eyes lingered quite a bit on the section below his belt as if to suggest that his cerebrum had seeped through the spine and settled there momentarily or even longer, nonetheless enough to cause an imbalance of sorts.

He felt sharp pins prick at his legs and a small stream head to his shoes. He hoped too that her eyes did not notice the uncomfortable shift below his belt.

Not that he was aware of it and much less had he intended it, but his lower lip had on the right side receded in between his sparkling white dental and kept sliding on and off enjoying the slight pain.

For all the blankness of his creative abilities, he hoped there was an eject button somewhere beneath his shoes. An effective one, akin to Johnny English would be perfect to telepot him to some place in Bwaise or Katwe.

At least, if the ground was kind enough to lease a gaping hole in which to zap to safety. ‪

#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH

BEAUTY PROBLEMS episode 1

"Hey babe?", (chest slightly raised and voice thrust a little rougher)

"Hey, can I help you? ", (one eye raised shortly with a neutral twist of all other facial features) “ More than that, was wondering if you could…uhmm you know like spare a minute..” (Sheepish grin and voice further on the rough)

“ Say, thirty seconds left?”

“ Uhm, tough one, well ..uhmm like, could I get your number, coffee or just wondering when I could see you again when you are less busy…”

“ I do not see why that is necessary, now if you could excuse me”, “ I am a lawyer, uhmm I have a nice car, I also work with a big law firm in town, uhmm… a house? Yes , still renting but working on that…”, (mid sentence)

(Cutting him Short) “ I see, well, I do not work with KCCA, URA or Internal Affairs so I doubt you can register for any taxes or whatever it is they ask such information for”

“…Could I at least get to know your name, I am Goldie and did I say how beautiful you are?, Am not even sure whether I’ll ever regain the beat you just made me skip!!” (She Looks at him from hair follicle to shoe point) x2 ‪

#‎To‬ be continued
$TOH