Days you hope for Russian invasion with an alien Pilot called Putin

I love my country too. No, but you don't show it. You are not a real cadre. In fact now that we have become experts at legislation the next thing in my diary is to force all you schlemiels to love your country. No listen to me young man..you don't talk when I am talking, I am a cadre, I know what I am talking about. In fact you kids are just wasteful, no elections for 2016..Bahati prepare a Bill on that ASAP. You could bet the Amama camp didn't see this one coming. Just when they essay to bring the man's head-shot on the ballot paper and debate whether to use a slasher or a banana for his campaign mascot; the chess master is three moves ahead, as he often is anyway but this time it is not the least of aces.....no elections after all, so you can as well go eat your petty party structures. Mrs Amama, naye this craze for being first lady, if your husband likes you, should it matter that you stay in Nakasero? babes can want.

We all need Kyankwanzi to teach us pretty much everything about everything. If I may ask, who teaches Kyankwanzi and how does one use a degree in patriotism and love for the country BA/Scie PLC first class Hons? What happened to Mchaka mchaka..Okay they ranted warrior chants and carried wooden guns while footslogging on slopes. That makes for a MAUMAU sorta novel manuscript but did you say it was part of patriotism curriculum? Wow.. the things tax payer's money is meant for can mean to be addling at times but again what do I know. You might think the law has answers to everything but guess what? Lukwago is out of office and bye elections are well underway...what say you?

Eventually we have a Disney nurtured generation. Finally we  posit in aliens so much so that we have relapsed to the ultimatum that what escapes our technology can only be by Alien invasion. Ya , though it makes Al Jazeera news, it is not a matter of great concern that MH

370 was raptured. That word? no not in that sense...the aliens will tell us later. We need to invest some brains in studying alien languages. This time the plane was not American so we do not need to be so perturbed. Maybe they send the earthquakes too, and the tsunamis and the typhoons..Interesting how a culture can be built about something enough to gain validation in high places. Guardian angels to Santa clause to the elf and now aliens. TGE

Speaking of America, as if the cold war scales could be on a least expected twist. So that tycoon is sold his shares in Apple and facebook and buying Alibaba what? who even uses that site (more than a billion people actually) Ya right. Snowden must have seen it coming and while we detest colonialism for the most part, Crimea would rather Kiss Putin's toe than continue the hugging motions with Ukraine. So what is Big brother US planning to do about this? Just go and  fix every body's backyard because truth be told you have your house well in order. Rant all you want about your referendum quorum legalism but unless you can stand up to the Russian barrel challenge you might as well use your summits for bathroom paperwork!

We could pass all the laws we want about everything and everyone, sometimes rightly so, sometimes out of sheer boredom and lack of meaningful intellectual adventure. On a daily, there are bound to be things that even technology cannot explain and it will at least manage to create a scapegoat which seems to be the only unexplored dimension. While that is happening, another Napoleon Bon is making a name for himself as a Russian Tsar of the millennium and Ugandans are doing what they do best-effortless comedy. Okay, guys can we get this over with already?

Prof. Dr. Rtd. JSC Hon. MP, Sr. citizen GW Kanyeihamba v NRM Rebel MPs #>400 million!

Dancing has never been every man's posho but whatever it is that we do, we always hope to secure a home arena and then go on to establish our laurels right on that table. So if you decide that you want to be a professional, a lawyer or any other, then go ahead, burn those midnight candles and have all the paper trail there is to fit in your portfolio. Do all the wonders that your feeble vanity can muster and stand to make a fool of your peers for their measured inadequacy. Is it not in the shortfalls of those around us that we can possibly notice the slight difference in our areal view?

After you are done writing all A kicking political, legal books whatever category they ultimately fall in. After you are done juggling the blackboard, the bar, the August House and the bench; in all colors and shapes. After you have got your head full with all the flavors of vanity fair that there are, after you have surmounted all the echelons of a surreal livelihood; after all is said and done, the world should realize that you are not done yet. If not anymore for the intellectualism that you churn out, for the drama that is still reeled in raw.

So you switch sides and start praying to the same throne you once occupied and oh boy who would blame the sweaty hands this stark change in roles can seduce. For both parties it is not the easiest of circumstances. Do we address you as your Lordship, or just senior counsel or Professor? By the way those tantrums you are throwing to your team mates, how about that? Do we say contempt of Court, hostile counsel or something else you would have easily handed out from the other side of the fence. Since you are sure everything you say is bound to be published, then you are perhaps all the more competent to lash at every scintilla of errant behavior that crops up in every corner. Or is it just a matter of unrelenting principal.

Maybe it is possible to make a Kick A advocate in one's 80's. Senility might as well be just a mental notion. We are not about to assume that virility has an age bracket as far as intellectual debate is concerned but yet again you tend to think that some stereotypes are not necessarily unfounded. Sometimes one wonders whether too much attention and reverence given to some quarters of the patriarchs has a chemical component that it marinates in their emotional dockets. This is Africa and as usual when an old man sneezes, the cold is there for the taking. Perhaps too, it is an African thing that we never consider nursing homes and in the very least quite retirement in the countryside when the clock gets to the evening watches.

Now you stomp out of your clients' good graces; not that you need their butter anyway, but is it not a question of professionalism at some point. You probably brought that out in your lectures at some once upon a time T but again, you make the law, you change the law; the rest of us just dance to the tune. Now that you cannot embalm their cause, you might as well add injury to insult and sue them for 400 mills. That is surely a job well done and we are doing nothing less than appreciate your expert interpersonal skills seasoned by a century of ego diets. They have been labelled rebels so you might as well go with the wind.

Prof Kanye (East oba?!) Sir, finally we get it, your legacy too; has a price and the tag reads 400 million. Good luck with the inflation though.

ION #..Don't you love how we are now all experts of Lupita Nyong'o and the Oscars. Congs btw, still making all of us proud. Too bad arsenal is back to chasing fourth place!!!

Anti-Porno, Anti Gay Acts 2014; Long Live Kyankwanzi

What a month! For all Ugandans, well wishers, bete noire   all alike...we can say our rapt attention has been denied any waking silence for the jurisprudential developments that have seduced our whims to complete recreancy. We could as well jump on a motion to create a Special ministry for Kyankwanzi or in the very list a special budget. In fact, we could use it as the proper locus in quo for our Parliament after all the one we have is just pre occupied with budgets on how to use ipads. Like seriously, you are given i pads and you need more money to learn how to use them? Who votes these people into the house?, not that a fruit falls so far from the tree but for crying out loud.  

When they say that the historicals and pseudo NRM die hards have earned tickets to a Kyankwazi dainty fair, be ye informed that that is more than just a refresher course on what it means to be patriotic. Be ye informed my friend that the President is gonna do a red carpet moment on a boat with neither a life jacket nor alternative protective gear of any kind in complete contrast to his charge Amama, kinda like motioning to the boda boda guys on why they still bother with helmets. Moving swiftly on, I think  a Kyankwanzi potion (Rabadaba shut up am not talking to you) has a lot to play politically moving forward. Nothing else could get civil servants to be more focused on the rarefied ten point program that believe you me is as relevant as it ever could have been in 1986. I was not born then but I have read about it and that makes me an expert on our political history if it lends any credence to my incumbent apologetics.

While you still are wondering about how the web of the 2016 elections is going to be woven, now that Besigye looks like he has slipped his opposition margin, his successors all looking like they are another bunch of KFC projects; and I doubt Mr. Otuunu has eventually decided to vote himself at least...now that opposition in Parliament is clutched in personal vendettas of making the shadow cabinet, whatever use that is...now that we think we do not even need to waste our budget on elections because either way we know who wins...Now that Mr. Bukenya with all his Museveni wanna be antics, hat and rolling eyes notwithstanding; has decided to cable a tirade of sour grapes. Now that Amama seems to be as loyal as man's best friend, now that we doubt Nambooze will ever go for the high office..Like seriously, that was even on the table.

There is still one lil bi**h in the mix, and that is the law. So we have amended the constitution once before to affect term limits but again, posterity seems to be out of favour with us as far as this lil book and it's wig wielding guards go. Simple, how about a Bill to extend a few more years to finish and consolidate our noble work; including but not limited to, restoring peace in Juba, making sure Kony does not return, and wait a minute..hoping someone else catches a vision...it has taken us twenty something year to find a successor, but believe yo me we are doing our best. ( I am positive Wenger would agree)

  Ugandans have fast proven to be pay homage to a volatile shot of nonchalant political aggression. They can easily get satiated with one camp and just do a complete silhouette to another or just insolent indifference. (kwegamba bakoowu) but it could as well be that they too have a price. They are either Christian or Muslim or for the most part cultural (fat boy no offense). FORAS in NRM can surely put this to some good use. Enter Kyankwanzi.  Let us sign the Mini-skirt Bill and sure enough the Anti- Homosexuality Bill. While we are at it, be sternly warned that the Anti- Porn Act no longer has anything to say about dress code so undress women at your own peril. The Anti- Gay Act has limited the death sentence and still maintains the right to confidentiality of the victim in case of investigations, and seems to have reduced mandatory espionage to those in authority! What happens to the Onions, peppers, and all those vegetables of the media industry. Those Kansanga Kabalagala chaps be warned. N bambi those bars who just make a living off bikini nights... So what about those beauty pageants, Miss Uganda (swim suit), Miss Crocodiles, Miss, Elephants etc...

 Uganda ..oh Uganda, everything about us just has to come with some drama, we are that good. I bet you statements are made, and history is made. We are no longer just about Kony, and mountain gorillas...we also make law duh!!! and some stage of our making process gets decided on a private ranch somewhere in Kyankwanzi; but technicalities aside, we get the work done, scientific evidence and all.

Thanks to Kyankwazi, Obama could go hang, China or Russia might not disagree..but above all my dear Ugandans when 2016 does come like it sure will, remember what Kyankwanzi has done for you, remember the good, you do not wish to give that up as yet.

Lupita Nyong'o n Anne Kansiime. A breath of EA divadome!

There is seldom much to write about East Africa as far as global show biz is concerned. What with Victor Wanyama being the only one to make it into the EPL, Kiwanuka in the NFL and Barrack Obama in the Black White-House. Save for the marathoners who have managed to grace the tracks for sometime now, there is hardly that much sporty prowess peregrinating the region . Now with Barrack  Obama sounding more prodigal by the day by coming off as a cultural fugitive in respect to the Anti-Gay Bill and policies along that line, it is left to see how far he can stretch this ancestral benevolence.We do not have to trouble our heads with a world cup slot let alone an African Cup qualification but we are good really. ( If Mourinho thinks Arsene Wenger is an 8 year specialist in obscurity, we could as well relish in agnate fraternity).

Regardless, I find that we have our pockets of stardom shining in through the obfuscous pool. Once in a while a Jose Chameleon will be nominated for this and that, a Gaetano will do some malodorous stuff on Big Brother Africa; an Aamito will grace the catwalk, a Catoon Baboon combination will get a Channel O nod, and stuff like that. Idi Amin and Joseph Kony may still out compete Kizza Besigye in the popularity ranks but who gives a damn about African politics? atleast the youth don't so let us reserve that for our siesta session.

When it comes to Lupita Nyong'o (hope I spelt that right), we have one relevant revelation for the silver screen. The Mexican (Mehikan )born Kenyan daughter of a Kenyan senator may not come off as your everyday East African but our pride is all there for the taking. The first time I listened to her voice, I was just awestruck. She gives you that strong vocal dexterity akin to talented expatriate kids that occasionally grace our imbecilic school system or better still, International School trained Africans who keep the Queen's language jealously in the chambers of their nasal cavities. That notwithstanding, that pool has a fair share of its patrons but I dare surmise that the rat race has its charm even at that stage. The resilience that first got her on a Kenyan set, the boldness that led her to Yale for a less opted for education; the aptitude that gave her a Hollywood calling card is all but common place.The heat that she brings to the red carpet, the precision with which she cracks into her raw African beauty is impeccable. These are the things Hollywood feeds on, these are the things school kids glue their eyes on to, these are the things that make a Hallmark lifetime happen. The fresh air that a genuine Original, brings to the table.

In a not so far away land a similar gem in my opinion is fast grating the cogs of stardom in her own unique way. When comedy became a night pass time and a part time occupation for a few in Uganda some years ago with the likes of Pablo, Senkubuge, Idring; it appeared to some as one unsustainable short cut to a cornucopia of big monies. Not that the industry has outgrown its pettiness and less sought for revelations, but again I digress. It was even less likely that a lady would make it in the industry and much less one that was not so much of a jock recycler or plagiariser.  I first heard her in a sing song Go Tv commercial, then there was the Mini Buzz, now the International awards largely British and Asian; and the trailer for the prospective show on Citizen TV Kenya. Her skits are just a shockwave revelation on YOU TUBE. She could give Justin Bieber or Gangnum style a run for their money sometime. (just saying). Even if that might not look to be in the offing, I am a bond fun a.k.a Ninja of this mukiga girl. With the heavy Western Ugandan accent, the unedited, least choreographed display of nativity there is on the internet, the sky has a lot to answer for. A royal invitation under her chest, a couple other things to go with it, there is a lot a hurricane of talent can do for you.

I do not know if Hollywood would suit Anne Kansime unless it is one of those nativity films where the accent can be directed to suit the material on the set, (pun intended!!) but again P Square has hit the same market with their Naija pidgin. why not? Perhaps Lupita is more conformist as Obama was to wedge her way though the vanity fair lovers and perhaps Anne is more akin to a Nigerian movie revelation to a very specific audience...perhaps, perhaps and perhaps.

If you ask me, I like a hearty laugh with every trace of African gravitational benevolence and I also have a soft spot for a smart A*** head giving the glamour kids a run for their money. I like Anne, I like Lupita..because everybody likes them. hehehe

Peace out.

Bachelor sleeps on empty stomach, thanks to KCCA!!

It is always road users complaining about the dust and later thanking Jennifer Musisi for the good work. If your shop or office happens to be where KCCA decides to do a road revamp, woes are well in order.

Needless to say, after the stuffy air has settled you will smile at the sleek tarmac right at your door step. Why don't they just do these roads at night when we are asleep? Don't they watch movies ?! duh!

Too bad for our fellow hustlers whose businesses have been labelled illegal and have had their kiosks razed to the ground. It is like waking up one day and finding that boda bodas are illegal in Kampala! That day will be such a massive lay-off for all purposes and intents. My friends, it is actually true that your type of businesses do not exist in more organised cities like Kigali and Jo'burg; but then I digress. The paucity of my rumbling is on the woes of the bachelor hustler. Why make life even harder than it is already cut out to be. Guy goes through MUK surviving on kikumi kikumi and one expects that to change in a flash.

So this young man has for the past week or so been using a different route to work or he's been that absorbed with his headphones to and from work. Whatever the case, he has not noticed the changes going on around his local town-Luzira. So fast forward Friday evening. After a week of tedious paper pushing and street trotting; meetings upon deadlines, the hapless lad grabs a boda boda to his simple bachelor pad. Despite the added expense, sometimes this boda fare cannot be stacked up upon the Friday evening taxis. The mixed perfume scents are struggling for ventilation against the swealtering heat; the muggy armpits are equally rough-housing for breath and not to say that the foul oral redolence is helping the situation. Occasionally a disgruntled rear will let up a silent but not to be ignored protest. The cuisine inspired whiff will linger around long enough to conjure up all sorts of grimy faces from well sited lads and make up made up lil belles alike. The culprit will probably be engrossed in his or her smart phone reading this.hehehe The traffic jam on a Friday evening has never been in such a patient mood..O boy!!

Assuming the helmet-less boda ride is justified, the young man sinks into his stiff edged sofa. Laugh if you must, but in this part of the world, it is not that yielding to get yourself a leather body massaging sofa unless you happen to have a Kazinda connection. Just saying! Mr. man slowly reaches for the remote as he sheds off the day's costumes bit by bit. One stocking here, another there, steady slow pulling at the tie; a button here and yet another there.  This dawdling ritual is accomplished contemporaneously with yet another of channel surfing just in the hope that GO-TV has come up with some entertaining channels for once. 

After settling for some trivia channel, he does that for say thirty minutes and then just switches to Super Sport Select for left over soccer replays. It is not until about 10:00pm that he realises that he might need to grab a bite. Too late for the kitchen certainly and junk food is just too much a torture at that time of the night. Poor thing grabs some shorts, a T.shirt, some Clark flip flops, a wallet and off he goes in search of a  some supper. He is sure his street-side food ladies will do for now or will they?

Ofcourse KCCA has been working on the roads around so one has to be steady in the muddy-cum dusty paths in the neighbourhood but that is to be expected. What is unforgivable is what hits the poor chap when he reaches his famous food roadside kitchen, restaurant...whatever it is they call a string of women with saucepans lined along the road with all sorts of comestible in fair and rather cheap rations. Shock upon shock, the whole stretch has been cordoned off with poles well lined up at mathematical intervals. The whole place has been dug up and boasts of upside down pieces of earth smiling with a ghastly mocking pout. Somewhere in city hall, Jennifer Musisi's alter ego is busy smiling at this youg man pacing up and down looking in horror at the closed restaurants and inviting bars!!

As he promenades along the streets willing something to show up with some simmering chicken and rice, poor lad, almost walks into a pharmacy because it almost looked like a supermarket!... but KCCA no no no!!! another empty stomach thanks to you!!!

2016 Presidential race?, Twerking the way to go!

 Miley Cyrus oba Hannah Montana might not rue the incarnation she has undergone but suffice to say that not everyone would approve. Regardless; she and many a wanna be belles have bided their waking moments in enduring dizzy brows cementing the latest dance trends. Gone are the days of having to jerk one's joints in all sorts of rapid shapes to create break dancing illusions in a bid to be entertaining. These days there is always more for the price of less. A debauchee son of Adam having a liberated rear exploring the anterior in meticulously choreographed pirouettes, gyres and whirligigs . Enough said but I still surmise that talent is not the linch pin here. At last it is no longer necessary to be gifted to get noticed. Cut yourself some perv slack and you might twerk your way to stardom.

Like a politician twists propaganda and a lawyer has his way with obsolete colloquial lingua is how you survive on any dance floor, and I mean any. If you have an EALA job as a law making expert, you are a celebrity therefore use your status to squeeze some old men in Mukono to get them refund your money in a deal gone bad without wasting time in Court. (Mrs Ziwa hello!) You are too busy for Court crap and using Police is less dear than seeking justice.Given the corruption  statistics, one is sometimes at a loss on where the responsibility lies. Too bad Besigye always finds himself on the wrong side of the political fence but this is the country of the famous martyrs. A few remnants come in handy if just to preserve the legacy. (Janan Luwun R.I.P say Amen! To the rest of you, Just twerk you will do just fine. Political matyrdom or jilt to stardom is just one of those twerksome concepts. YOu hardly know whether it is a sacrifice or a long shot.

Yes we want another rap, or do we? I'll let you be the judge of that but believe me you, Rabadaba stunts will not sway that many people any more. YK Museveni is a renown one hit wonder in the hip-hop world though we still await his début album or even an official Mp'enkoni video. At least unlike fellow one hit wonders and legalised music pirates, the man with a hat managed to make some copyright headway. Too bad the Grammy Awards this year were also unfair and did not recognise his contribution. Blame it on racism perhaps BET will come round soon enough. A few nuggets for the big man ,going forward, get yourself a Kim Kardashian. Kloe is now single since Lamar left but not sure the surrogate issues are off the table. In our case a few reality show celebrities would do. If Zari is on the market, Sevo you have yourself a deal.Otherwise Judith Heard, Byad black am not sure but just any  babe that gets the cameras rolling. By the way, I doubt you would want to sing that unpopular Bahati Bill any time soon but it will count on both faces of the copper. Whether it is the donor money, the voter outcry or the middle-class hotheads; it is still up for grabs who butters that bread. It is a twerk contest all over again.

If you wanna pitch against the old man I have an audition for you too. Carry a descend photo-shopped head-shot, employ a rejuvenated journalist to preach your gospel on a couple of popular fora. A few things in that line but make sure you can twerk. Just wondering if Mr. Amama has any lyrical prowess up his sleeve but again it is a twerking season so the former won't be necessary.

  With graduations going around in all sorts of paper pushing disciplines, the concern of where all these self acclaimed witty heads will fit in an economy largely dependent on the hoe and cattle grazing lingers still. Not that they will keep books on big farms like you would say in some parts of the continent. Interesting that even someone studying agriculture has in mind a job with NARO or NAADS. One that involves writing endless plagiarised concepts on breeds and species. Not much to do with actually increasing any produce of some sort. Good thing it will not matter any more , just get those damn books, jettison the paper trail and take some twerking lessons.

It is about short cuts. It is about not having to do much. It is about energy conservation. It is about psychology. Be busy without necessarily doing much but just be busy neither ways. You do not have to get it all out, just pick yourself some mint, chew on it as sassy as you can,barn.

Uganda Cranes offers David Moyes a job!!!

 Dear Moyes,

Reference is made to your outstanding tenure at the Trafford that is older than the Queen and we hereby address you as follows:

When you inherit a team like Man U, there are lots of things you are bound to grapple with. Not the most entertaining philosophy but effective neither-ways. One stand out player like Beckham, Ronaldo, Van Parsie ( in no particular order) who always seem to make the difference from the nonchalant machinery that you field day in day out. The fixtures of the generations in the likes of Giggs, Ferdinand et al. Yes Ferguson educated the same breed and ground out silverware upon another.

You on the other hand have been a mid-life crisis second fiddle to the top tier in your field. Just make top four occasionally, sell your best players and start all over again. Whether it is lack of ambition or opportunity, all that we have to write home about is your predictability at being average; consistently by the way. Yes consistence does work, and it helps that you are Irish, keeping the tradition happens to rank that high in this particular part of town; maybe not so with the noisy neighbours. Hopefully you will have your own version of the hair drier, have a constant supply of chewing gum and whatever it takes to please the old guard haw-kingly staring at you from the VIP box as you burn at the stakes.

On the other hand if you take on the Uganda Cranes,  you are home and dry baby. We are used to the Maths, the near death qualifications...just almost is always good enough. Besides no one really watches the matches, we do not even know the difference between Tonny Mawejje and what's that kid's name? never mind but you get the point. We do not really care, but just make sure you cut in the FUFA boys on whatever deals you chance; because then my friend, perhaps only then do you have a job. You are an expat. so you earn in dollars or pounds whichever you prefer.

 

 We have one stadium by the way, so you need to be careful while training because we need to preserve the grass for the real games and Straka's wedding. Amama Mbabazi might also have a conference coming up. Do not worry about the transfer window, we will not require you bring in Gareth Bale even if he is injured; I doubt we can even afford his haircut besides he might ask for ac' while on pitch. You will also need to learn some Luganda because our team is one of natural selection, you will not need to worry about a mukiga fighting for a slot. Even those dark boys have learnt the language as part of the resume.

Lastly Mr. Moyes, hope you do not mind tap water and mosquitoes (pronounced moskwitos) when we need a camp session. Whatever you do, make sure you do not allow a match at Nakivubo especially against Rwanda. Try to secure a draw at Namboole, that is more rewarding than qualifying because you will have preserved our home record. Give the boys 20k for boda boda after training; yes posho and beans is fine, they are not as sophisticated as they are talented. 

TORs will be furnished as soon as you tender in your acceptance.

Hope to hear from you.

Yours faithfully,

$TOH