Dycriptable letter to Sejjusa

Ever wondered why anyone ever came up with that adage of the monkey who laughs at a burning bush clearly oblivious to what will happen to his most prized habitation? Ever cared to think that perhaps the little tailed creature is savouring the glow of the moment instead of crying over already spilt milk. Maybe our dear lil monkey prefers to wear a smile till the dusk of day.

Regardless, do you ever pause to realize how kids wanna do it their way until the zipper gets stuck and you have to come in and clean up the teary mess? Why  did they not ask for this help in the first place? It is surmised that the best training is to let a child touch a lamp and when they burn, they will learn. Forget that the ulcer might take a while to heal and perhaps get septic and poke a few holes in the wallet. Forget all that.

Forget all you might, but forget not that people are not as naive as you might make them out to be. Not most of them I can guarantee you that. They might skip the latest fashion, wear ill fitting leggings and jeggings, wear unflattering suspenders, skip a few trips to the barber's and even entirely give up on that six pack. Yes they might be engrossed in soap operas, typically nonsensical sitcoms and stale comedy shows; waste countless hours on talk shows and soccer games, but people have some grey matter that comes in handy once in a while. If just once in a while.

Once in a while people will realise that it took you over twenty plus years to notice that you were in the less preferred camp, that the privileges of the high table were not that sumptuous. So many blue moons for you to notice that the cogs you so diligently grated, might not be the most flattering of political machinations. That you now accept that all your sweat was a mark of villainy and that you now wish to join another V camp. That after climbing the apex of military ranks, you now find something at fault with the hand you so ravishingly licked.

The breast you suckled now stands in the red corner of your championship fight. That breast that would give two hoots for your head on a platter. To think that Lucifer was at some point at the right hand, but worse to think that the patriarch might never have glimpsed a spark of ambition. That after 60 + years someone grows wise enough to go for a deed poll for re Christening. Experience yes, relevance maybe, timely perhaps, spark of genius, no...inventive step? absolutely not.

Yes, evenI. Even I when my brother dare sleeps with my wife, I will take on the whole village. I will shout it from the Nile to the Mississippi; because you know w

hat? The world cares that a junior officer disrespects me, that people are so tired of the status quo that they can abandon their limping livelihood to gang with an exiled son of the land. 

          Who of you thinks I am not sacrificing a lot by being away from home, that I miss matooke and beans.           Do you think I enjoy these tasteless burgers and AC? You think it is fun to fly all the time? 

That is what naivety does, it makes people think having a valley dam in karamoja supersedes a wifi  router!!

Damn, one cannot even buy a lamborghini coz man these potholes!Yikes!

Give me something new, prove to me that it is not a game of two elephants sorting out a personal vendetta. be humble enough to join the boys who left your camp and have been on the frontline for ages. Do you have an idea what pepper tastes like in someone's eyes? Have you ever spent a night in a University of understanding? We might never know those answers, but thing though is, we might not even ask these questions. When you see bakowu people singing tusaba gavumenti etuyambe, then you know that reinvention of the wheel is not a hard thing after all.

Snowden might be tasting his long awaited freedom in a Russian safe house but for all we know he can forget about "the land of the free". We all want something better, but if anyone thinks they are going to ride on our plight to advance egoistic agenda and settle selfish scores, that person might need to beat Golola first! While you are at it, remember that Naggy is dead, I am not sure the enturire infested punches had a contributing factor.

Yours sincerely,

Even Me I donno

FIAT FEST NAMITIMA

Forget the spelling, that is to throw away your assiduity, we all had our experience. Apart from the electrifying performances of all the artists and I mean all, or okay most artists if you insist; there were a few other material to catch one's attention.

Without over hyping it, please always do VIP. Thank you. Apart from the fact that you do not have to scramble around rails to catch a clean view of the action and risk losing your space in case you move an inch for any reason, there is a lot to gun for. You can seat through, thoughtful performances, or even just to catch a breath, you can get some nice KFC treat (Kampala Fried Chicken) at less than 99k; eavesdrop in on the stars' jazz, as in!!! Okay if you like the Ki-russia fun, you can hop out, chill wit ya boys but still be able to come back to VIP as in for riyo. Before I take leave of the flossing, the drinks will keep coming until yo like just chill me out. Viewwise you can choose upstairs or right up front, whichever way you like it baby.

 

I btw like our star craze, we be like we like Sho Baraka so bad we will tear his bracelet off his hand. These American Gz trying to shake babez hands, make sure no bling yah!! I also jumped for free mix tapes, it was fun actually coz I succeeded. Caps and scarfs I'll buy, no worries. Gwe ebyobwelele u don't want? kasita I'd paid ma ka 50k.

  

Kati I had some interesting neighbours. Thou shall not judge yo neighbour, and I won't bara..this white pensioner had on his right arm, a tattoo of Bad Black (young dark skinnyish thing), complete with nose rings and ear pins and I can't say what other piercings. This chick who was doing a constant rabadaba on her white mzee is not the prettiest ....(sorry, I digress). Anyway, it was a gospel concert, and this was VIP, but like that disgusting stuff of kiss kissing yourself when Pompi as doing a deep worship song, like seriously??? Very Important Ps indeed.

On the hustler end, I could not help but notice a handful of young boys with weigh scales moving around. Who really cares about catching their weight at 11:00pm at a concert even if it is for Shs. 500. UPE might need to be revisited, forget about cramming Nantaba's escapades to pass SST.

Boys can be sharp, but one thing is for sure, it will not be news again if you try to propose at a concert midway a Bumper song, just be sure she is gonna say the obvious or at least she has a heart. (then she can say yes and later say it was a joke), Jemimah don't try this at home. cc Lugayizi Timothy Ssempebwa. Ba like seriously that proposal stunt was on point.

I liked Benja's humility. The guy after performing sat on the kiRussia of the stage and started bobbing to Ugandan acts like Phila, Exodus,  Coopy Bly (This particular Luganda must have been a hard nut. jamaican bits but deep Luganda rhymes. Pole Benja bway).

So someone tosses a white smart phone ma way as if like a ka mobile money message, and as I read, " We are building a dormitory in Luwero..." turning around I am greeted with a slitted tin container hungry for some VIP change. Atti, I know there is a 40/40 tent naye you Ugandans with thick heads, musasula 50k to chill naye you cannot go drop something for charity! kati you refuse to drop in and watch the mortification that greets you. 

Like zic is fun, but anti if yo a drummer boy, do not be afraid of heights coz yo gonna wanna be hoisted and make sure Umeme or Silk Events are on top of their game, coz if the tech jams, yo gonna mighta flyia back to gravity before your time.

I liked the tweeting aspects, naye banange Ugandans, anti they sed wireless was day but they forgot those of us who had semi smart phones for MTN zero and Fanta MBz. BTW TWongex Kudoz on the pocket charger, oba it was tiger head I rono.

The tributes were on point, the choreo by the resident all star dance crew...Respect!!!, the less talking MCing top notch, artist line up and discipline..kudos, quality of delivery..top notch, ma live band ( Trevor on keys is ma ob and former band mate...hihihi (Ebyo biyamba Nze). Anyway thanks Power Fm for a job well done. Nolulala..

Drizzle or no drizz, we party like crazy, we go hard, namutima.

#TOH

Basima Ogenze but not for long!

It was faintly innovative of Chameleon to pen down a track in the above style a while back. Whoever it was he was trying to hit at for being unappreciative we cannot say for certain but it worked. The song caught the eyes of a few notables with rumours of the President YKM buying the album at a staggering 400m.

Basima ogenze loosely translated, "they appreciate after you are gone" (forget that the translation is longer than the initial two words, blame it on African precision); is a jibe to hit at ingrates that sag around you or one you throw around in retrospect when you feel like your thud was not as aptly thumped to effect.

In the weeks that passed, a couple of popular people went west, and the popularity question depends on whom you ask. The generation that watches Fast and Furious will miss Paul Walker, though even a few of them always thought of him more of a supporting role and their mental faculties could the more easier conjure up anamnesis for the ripped up Vin Disel, Van Damme and the likes of them. It is not entirely eccentric to say that Walker's role (RIP) will be the easier one to fill. Another sort of Senior Justin Bieber look alike that the babes will drivel over will do just fine in the long run. ME thinks.

For the TBN die hards especially the older folk and the Christian Theologists, Paul Chrouch's exit off the twig will be the more memorable of them all. The man started arguably the biggest Christian Television Station that has not only propagated the verses of the good old book but also augmented a few profiles for all the different reasons. I hate to poke this particular rib, but most young Christians do not even know who started TBN let alone care, after all like the Billy Grahams of his day, he has not as much as been a regular face on the silver screen. But I must say kudos to such a legacy.



Madibalism is the most obscene craze that has hit us this last weekend or so. With the Drogbas causing chaos in Turkey over tribute under jerseys, blond celebs tweeting quotes by Martin Luther and attributing them to Mandela, Kanye West equating his rambunctious lyricism to spending 27 years in 46664. What was that nonsense about CNN comparing NM with JC? like seriously? smh. Twitter saying that Morgan Freeman had died because of the look alike virus hack, Obama yet again spinning a few chart topping lines, reinvented rivalries; ex-wives kissing!!(both are women btw), every social media maniac throwing in their lines...and thank goodness, a week off KCCA nonsense. Lukwago could not have chosen a worse time to shine. (Ask Ronaldo how hard it is to live in Messi's day although babes will disagree for no particular footballing reason!)

One thing I can guarantee you, we shall move on. When MJ died, we cried and moved on, when Whitney...same, same same ole. A leaf in the same book. We are who we are when u book a date with your maker, we can only see you up to the door! Our dinner might be getting cold already!

Of course it's a good thing to burn down Owino market daah!!!

If you are in the insurance business you know too well how the words insurable interest, risk, premium and the like conjure up butterflies in your mental wallet. If we can cauterise such markets twice a month atleast; then we can have these superstitious or rather mystical Ugandans appreciate how to apportion income for scintillated moments.

Naye who gives a damn about second hand and counterfeited stuff you find in DT? We are moving on to malls and designer labels and there is no better wakeup call than to show these poor chaps that acts of god are also appalled at their backwardness. Besides, it will save Ugandans from unnecessarily wasting their hard earned money trying to buy cheap Christmas gifts for people in the villages.

By the way, can't u see that usafi and wandegz markets are more organized...but they need a hand of God marketing strategy to get some hotheads in there selling stuff. Maradona needed it to win a world cup, Kampala landlords need it; once in a while.

We all agree that Besigye and Lukwago's running battles as they walk to work and work to walk have done little to provide a proper lab specimen of how good our police reservoir can be. We have tear gas, water spray for those who don't shower, pink water for those who think they have insatiable wardrobes, pepper spray for those cold eyes that need a spark plug to help relieve them of excess tear cisterns. We have nice kiboks for those who did not attend upcountry private schools. I doesn’t matter that you are an aggrieved vendor, or street lumpen wanting to take advantage, you have to realize that when we are on duty, we cannot distinguish who is who, just get out of the way!

Smoldering such markets is not just to prove that Lukwago has failed to honor our votes and beat government. He can’t even stop a simple fire? A whole Lord Mayor (tuswalatuswala). We should start voting wisely and make sure Musisi is both mayor and Director of our Kibuga.

I know how you watch movies and see fire departments as cool and well equipped. If Owino incinerates, you call police, they show up after an hour to see warrups, you give them facilitation to call the fire department,. the head of department is probably working on his thesis about school fires and has to be called from leave to approve logistical requisitions for the emergency. Then the department vehicles are taken for servicing, then they go and fetch water in Entebbe anti Umeme has cut off power because the yaka metre is not updated; water bill s are still pending approval of Public Procurement and Disposal of Assets or better still a supplementary budget. Finally we can now show up and stop the fire. (Ignore this paragraph I was dreaming).

 

Maybe Sevo will come up and give us some 200 million so we can vote wisely next time. By the way what is that market for anyway, wouldn't we rather use that land for parking space when we go for soccer at Nakivubo, or even just turn it into another bus terminal. More important ideas for sure. it's a pity we cannot burn street vendors off the street!

 Anyway, oba what happened to That’s Life Mwaatu? Kubanga these things Bibaawo

Ela Government etuyambe.

Of course u didn't win the MTN marathon, hope u won yoself a babe

If abanonya is too local for you, you should  never miss a vougy (of course the word doesn't exist) opportunity to meet a prospective suitor. No one will castigate you for wearing blinding make up before you stretch the 12 kms or so. It does not matter that you even decide to walk them. You do not need track suits to do a marathon, even a bikini will do, just make sure it is in the right colours; and if it is the MTN Marathon, yellow does the charm. Remember, you have to have your A game up. Speke road will be abandoned at this time of day, so shift business because duh..the pensioners are gonna show up. Do not forget your make up kit because I can guarantee you, that  paparazzi is gonna wanna emphasize that important people showed up after all.

Is it not about win win? Is it not about where your bread is battered.
If you are a Councillor somewhere, package some rice for the runners. ( Like seriously who eats pilao while running a marathon?!). If you run a water plant, make sure your staff works overtime to make branded litres of refreshments so that you do not miss the rare opportunity to show how benevolent you are. In fact if you run any business in town, prepare head and hand bands so that the runners are smartly dressed in your colors. For crying out, if you care, just damn get on board. KCCA will sure not tax you for taking water to Karamoja. (advertising is a rude word to use at this stage).

Be sure to carry business cards. How do you not? Every who is who will be there, because you know what? We are philanthropist and cannot miss a chance to run (/show up) for charity. Of course carry your phone otherwise where will you save the important numbers. Not that we shall have many professionals around. Let's face it, if you are not Kenyan, at least you must come from a specific hill where guys are called "Kips" and babes are called "Cheps". For the rest of us, we gotta have more noble reasons for showing up. You can even do a bike or just jazz yo babe as u walk. N pliz take pictures with Spenah beach poses yaa?

If you are a musician especially of the reptile clan, just be headlined for a little miming session just before the whistle goes. It is allowed for you to break the dress-chord, just do your signature bling and get ready for the running concert. Kati, even those babe musicians, a word. It is okay to twerk for people before they go for a marathon, because you know what? that is great motivation to fight for Karamoja's thirst!!

Anyway, my point is. Never miss an MTN marathon, because if you cannot win anything, duh you'll look at some babes if yo a guy, maybe to drool or appreciate (I am not sure where the line is drawn), if you are a babe, you will enjoy the spectacle just as much if not to emphasize your finely hour-glassed features vis a vis similar species; your french leave from the gorgeous pecking order. You don't have to be too focused, you will never make the olympic team but this is your chance to shine where you clearly do not belong. Forget about your size or lack of it, we won't judge you. Just damn run the marathon.

Just do not dare be Lukwago or Jenny Musisi when we are trying to enjoy an MTN marathon. Don't even be a Minister for Presidency. One of the above roles is just sour crap being shoved down wanainchi's throats but do we really give a D? We are Ugandans, we wanna have fun, temutukooya, get out of KCCA get a life.
Me thinks.