It
could not have skipped my poky self you say. I agree but I just had to tread
this mash as I could carefully afford in order to get some kudos for political
correctness or lack of it. (Whichever side eventually wins this social media rant). The
weeks that passed, Uganda was engrossed with Amama this, Amama that; something
that a certain fraction of the population hoped (albeit stealthly) would well-up
for a clean oil spill into 2016 and perhaps beyond. The eviction of some
Ugandan babe from Big Brother Africa House (even I can’t be certain I know her)
and her rant about two weeks success at changing the world vis a vis Bebe Cool’s
UB 40 year successful retention of the title of ever upcoming house owner…bla bla
bla; did not help shift our focus from Amama’s plead the fifth and play the piano bag
of tricks. To think that a machine gun democracy preacher would be moved by
this. It quacks, it is all duck but in name. Such is the paradox about Amama
still running errands for YK and the annual leave that only matures after nine years,
but again; I am the novice here so I will usher myself into the naughty corner!
Every
time I watch a reality TV competition, some stupid dreams well up. (They are
stupid because I have been taught to dream about tomorrow and not be so ambitious
as to think that tomorrow will dawn soon). Anyway, I seldom envision myself on
the stage wowing the judges. Quite the opposite. I am always on the bench of
three, the mean one at that; if you’ve watched Ian Mbugua, Joan Rivers (RIP),
or better still, Simon Cowell then you should get my number ASAP. Those guys
are students of yours truly (we are dreaming, right?). It could be my default
judgmental vista pro. Just before you request my resume, hashtag Lupita Nyongo’s
advice. Mine are valid too!
On
different stages where endless actors in ordinary people always pull off
perfect comic sets, I am the ever grinning cynic to the one-liner possible descriptions
of such broad daylight Broadway!! I know you want me to convince you about my
indiscretion, here is how. ( I entered a taxi late at night and in waltzed this
middle aged lad with an Ijuuma religious
cap. That picture of downtown Katwe handy guys. Then he pulled out an android,
scrolled and the screen saver was some light skinned Zuena or Zari look alike.
I subconsciously ordered my coffin. He proceeded to hold a Rukiga love talk with
his Zuena (I am one by the way so I can distinguish the flow from the Kabarole
equivalent). Before I could pull a Lazarus move, he whispered through the
android,
“Honey, this week I will be
going to Western Nile”.
I
know of West Nile (only) and I almost put a knee in his groin for this
misconception but then again I was just poking. Sometimes one exults in the
mere fact that on does not do stand-up cynicism for a living. The streets would
be littered with broken bones.
You
see, when we donate blood, it is the type and health of it that matter. Nice
kidneys are good too, so go slow on the bottle. Brains are great and so is
acumen. It helps that we have the most patriotic people in the country running everything
important because now the Miss Uganda Office is. If you doubt their success,
consider the fact that Amama is momentarily not the social media darling;
thanks to UPDF. If you still doubt their modus operandi consider the fact that
no Miss Uganda has ever become this popular in so short a time and even those
that eventually did, you have to credit some Pensioner hand of god.( I am not suggesting that Bad Black has ever been Miss
Uganda, but she no doubt earned more than all of them combined before she
retired to vacation in Luzira.)
If
Amani asks for hung shoulders, chiseled cheeks; flat chests and flamingo legs
for the Paris or New York fashion week, the ground is set. I know that there is
a movie titled”12 years a slave” starring a one Lupits although I am yet to
watch it but I am not sure what Angelina Jolie’s latest movie is although I
might have watched it. That is the drift. I can confidently assert that there
will be a slim chance of any beauty queen
(as photogenic as they come), who will grapple with calculus and source code as
well as Her Excellency Leah Kalangu.
Beyonce
said;
‘Mama said, “ you are a pretty
girl. What’s in your head, it doesn’t matter
Brush your teeth, fix your hair
What you wear, is all that
matters”
The
culture of TV bred citizens who want a rich man so that they can sit home and
pretend to raise the kids. Those that even have degrees often graduate into
house wives of equally educated or loaded blokes. Do we want a Miss Uganda to
provide escort services to expatriates or shower naked in BBA so that our perversions
can drool in satisfaction to the ultimate substitute of coffee and cotton?
(Since we are yet to even understand what oil exportation is all about!). The
most popular TV shows are abanonya and be my date, because guess what, they teach
people how to fix a car tire, No?
I
do not have the prettiest mom on earth. I think my sisters are beautiful but I
know Hollywood would request for a pinch of salt on that menu, but do I give
two hoots? No. Does Tyra Banks wash my clothes?, H no. I like that Alec Wek is
dark and bald and looks sculptured on canvas and so does Naomi Campbell. My
grind though is that I prefer my ladies shorter, lighter and fleshier. That is
what my bedroom will define beauty to be, and I could care less if all the
vogue editions were used for a suicide noose.
We
have made our statement. Kiprotich matters to us because he runs. Kansiime
matters to us because girl is she funny or the word funny is not funny enough
to describe her funny funny! Golola matters to us because he kicks some A
(sometimes)!!, Leah matters to us because she is virtuous, godly, sick
brilliant, talented and eloquent.
She
is too tall for me, and of course brighter than me so I cannot deal!!
Regardless,
she gets an A for being Amamalitious. Here is why.
The historicals like Leah,
The generals salute her,
The cows dig her;
Poultry would kill for her,
Computers vibe her,
Everyone talks about her;
Celebs are using her to become
relevant,
People and a half are talking
about her,
We now care about Miss Uganda;
I do not know her,
So what the heck!!
Twitter @matsikogodwin
$TOH
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