UGANDA'S TOP 10 ACTS OF 2014

In no particular order, we will notice most of the acts here as some of those that have been in our faces for the best reasons or worst causes but undeniable none the less. So here goes:

1.   DESIRE LUZINDA

Music and entertainment is no walk in Centenary Park (that is no longer the easiest of things either, you get the point though). One minute, someone is dropping out of school and dropping hits; the next, they are dropping pants (or make that panties) to stay in the game. Which makes me wonder, is it a game after all?! Anyhow, suddenly it looks like we are not any more interested in the silky melodies and heart throbbing rhythms than we are the race to 2016 and so we get served with eh, well you know what. If you put your voice to a few ballads and gross in a hundred milliz per show, then we get it that you'll cruise a UAX, make that a 4point something guzzler. 

Not the same thing as hooking or being hooked up by a Nigerian crook with money from being a Nigerian! (Neither do I understand the meaning of this sentence but consultations are underway). We are happy for Seanice Kacungira though and are glad that she will not carry a camcorder into the bedroom. We dare Desire to say that her new songs are the best apology to the fans that have been striking that infamous pose. (Let’s leave her daughter out of this, shall we?!)

b. ZARI

Must she make the list? Gosh, how more can we glorify people whose only achievement is that they inherited genes with perfect curves, skin complexion and , eh and...well thatso!?( that is all), we love to look at them but then is that all that we need? Okay they have money, but they are not MDs or lawyers or doctors or farmers....Okay they own boutiques but who doesn't. She sings, right?!, okay she tried a sex tape and am I glad I didn't watch it?, from what I hear; I am more than.

2.   UGANDA CRANES AND UCU CANONS

Those who know me well should have heard me say at one point or the other that I

would support Brazil if it were playing Uganda. I am not speculative of the possibility of the two nations meeting in a competitive soccer match but that is just as well. Forgive my heightened patriotism or lack thereof but I hate to admit that deep inside I am a terrible loser. Worse than Mourinho and Christiano Ronaldo. I am not going to add Arsenal to this list because that will exacerbate my frustrations. I gave up watching the UCU Canons about a season ago because no matter the roster, I will support them all the way. I have a terrible de ja vu of their tee to-teller tendencies when it comes to the playoffs and unfortunately; it is of the terrible pills I am fasting from.

Micho, Mulindwa, and the whole host of noble clouds that grace that Mengo house; the pundits and career analysts on all media outlets and inlets; it is 38+ years and counting. I am not about to buy a ticket to Namboole anytime soon. Not even if Amama is in attendance.

3.   AMAMA MBABAZI

Of lofty quests and lifetime premierships and presidencies, of these is told the tale of karma. The faithful yellow tie, the grey hair punctuation to a face rich with secrets and money (burofcourse); the endless pictures for the (forever no.2) next to the man in a hat (Does he sleep with it on by the way?) The tales of a wrecking ball clad in a nice lawyer suit, yellow tie, twisting, squeezing and turning stubborn manhood pairs in bedrooms high and low.

Come 2014 and a resolution like no other by a girl not hitherto known in any substantial circles. Come the humpty dumpty now sitting in a quiet Kololo Mansion behind a grand piano soloing out "Grand father's clock". 

b.SEJJUSA

He is back and now we care. Do we?

4.   LEAH KALANGUKA

Beauty and the best, Cinderella story in the strangest of twists. I am not blessed with long legs and am I glad?, I wonder what those tall guys be doing up there(sic)! Amiito does not fit this list because well, she is a personal friend, ( I do not care that she doesn't remember me); but I usually have cool friends you know. Anyway, so it is about Miss Photogenic turned Miss Farmer's Choice turned Miss UPDF choice turned Miss Uganda. Turned Miss World No. 25 in the People's Choice Category.

Most girls we know, grow up with their dads telling them that they are the most beautiful creatures to grace this filthy planet. You need nerve to stand the whole world telling you otherwise and more if they claim that every semblance of beauty you have standing out of you is all but affirmative action. Don't most girls think their mothers beautiful?, must we agree?; that is a no go area but I gather you get the drift.

5.   MAID FROM HELL

Not my words, I will hasten to disclaim. Well she got four years, Rwakafuzi got in the news again and we all cried foul. I am a lawyer so I am not supposed to take sides or be emotional at all. You saw the video and you hanged her, she was charged, pleaded guilty and was given four years, with good conduct she should be out in two and back to Rukungiri, digging and married to someone who will never own CCTV cameras or an i phone 6. The judge was right, I am inclined to emphasize because after blowing millions and five years of endless precedent, I am qualified to uphold the pen of the temple of justice.

6.   GIRISH NAIR

He is loaded, he owns Technology Associates, he does not use boda boda or taxi, never will, except for experiment. I am one of those impressed by Luzira, Escape from Uganda much for the script as the cast. I would have loved more Ugandan actors in it and how I wish he had bought the Hostel before its demise but who am I to ask?, Wawuyo, Bbosa, Chamili, Iryn and that Miss Uganda runner up girl ( forgive me for this memory lapse). I watched and loved the Serena version, I liked Jose'z sound on the tracks and Bollywood dance interludes though I will not flatter the few sections of his acting. Girish, well done and hopefully you can finance indigenous acts too.

7.   ELLA

Again, I hope most of us are not the lot to drool over grown bodies soaked in soap and water on camera, but again, but DSTV racks in big on the show and that is quiet revealing. So we have another celebrity, a hopeful musician, radio personality and what not. We celebrate the possibilities of gainful employment ahead and oba what else?

8.   IDU

I was once a dancer and still toy with the possibility of a great comeback. I have watched thousands of dance routines and competitions, had my spell with a gospel dance crew (Vine Dance Force), and that was after half a decade of high school MDD at National level. I like the fact that I can beat many of you reading this on the dance floor because, then even in my rust I feel less than Uganda Cranes(wink moment). Anyhow, I am glad that one of my VDF former crew mate now in IDU lifted the Uganda flag in the Sakata Mashariki season not done more than a few weeks back. Matthew has always been a better dancer than myself, by a mile or so but oh well; like they say, " you are not my competition, I hope we all make it".

9.   EDDY KENZO AND ANNE KANSIME

They are now global brands with a global manager. They have alluring content I must say and it is working. Salvador is not so far behind and that should be a good thing. Kenzo is said to have a bay on the way, with another Stellar voice from the Pearl and well, as a man I am more that respectful. Anne is luckily not competing with Desire but the ninja has her squeeze well on tight and the Bakiga are not complaining. 

10.                PHATPHEST

Under the theme, “stand out”, we partied like crazy. Those fresh from school and work alike. Da Truth, Lotta house crew and all. I personally did not swallow tha Pompi and Mag 44 Stunt but then again tunalabileyo. The poets and groovy masters; the rockers and the halleluyah me thou’s. Naye UMEME nga bulijjo, you never disappoint and your presence or lack thereof was well felt.

Merry X mas ma lovely people.

$TOH

@matsikogodwin

"A" FOR AMAMALICIOUS. YOU GOTTA LOVE MISS UGANDA!!!

It could not have skipped my poky self you say. I agree but I just had to tread this mash as I could carefully afford in order to get some kudos for political correctness or lack of it. (Whichever side eventually wins this social media rant). The weeks that passed, Uganda was engrossed with Amama this, Amama that; something that a certain fraction of the population hoped (albeit stealthly) would well-up for a clean oil spill into 2016 and perhaps beyond. The eviction of some Ugandan babe from Big Brother Africa House (even I can’t be certain I know her) and her rant about two weeks success at changing the world vis a vis Bebe Cool’s UB 40 year successful retention of the title of ever upcoming house owner…bla bla bla; did not help shift our focus from  Amama’s plead the fifth and play the piano bag of tricks. To think that a machine gun democracy preacher would be moved by this. It quacks, it is all duck but in name. Such is the paradox about Amama still running errands for YK and the annual leave that only matures after nine years, but again; I am the novice here so I will usher myself into the naughty corner!

Every time I watch a reality TV competition, some stupid dreams well up. (They are stupid because I have been taught to dream about tomorrow and not be so ambitious as to think that tomorrow will dawn soon). Anyway, I seldom envision myself on the stage wowing the judges. Quite the opposite. I am always on the bench of three, the mean one at that; if you’ve watched Ian Mbugua, Joan Rivers (RIP), or better still, Simon Cowell then you should get my number ASAP. Those guys are students of yours truly (we are dreaming, right?). It could be my default judgmental vista pro. Just before you request my resume, hashtag Lupita Nyongo’s advice. Mine are valid too!

On different stages where endless actors in ordinary people always pull off perfect comic sets, I am the ever grinning cynic to the one-liner possible descriptions of such broad daylight Broadway!! I know you want me to convince you about my indiscretion, here is how. ( I entered a taxi late at night and in waltzed this middle aged lad with an Ijuuma religious cap. That picture of downtown Katwe handy guys. Then he pulled out an android, scrolled and the screen saver was some light skinned Zuena or Zari look alike. I subconsciously ordered my coffin. He proceeded to hold a Rukiga love talk with his Zuena (I am one by the way so I can distinguish the flow from the Kabarole equivalent). Before I could pull a Lazarus move, he whispered through the android, 

“Honey, this week I will be going to Western Nile”.

I know of West Nile (only) and I almost put a knee in his groin for this misconception but then again I was just poking. Sometimes one exults in the mere fact that on does not do stand-up cynicism for a living. The streets would be littered with broken bones.

You see, when we donate blood, it is the type and health of it that matter. Nice kidneys are good too, so go slow on the bottle. Brains are great and so is acumen. It helps that we have the most patriotic people in the country running everything important because now the Miss Uganda Office is. If you doubt their success, consider the fact that Amama is momentarily not the social media darling; thanks to UPDF. If you still doubt their modus operandi consider the fact that no Miss Uganda has ever become this popular in so short a time and even those that eventually did, you have to credit some Pensioner hand of god.( I am not suggesting that Bad Black has ever been Miss Uganda, but she no doubt earned more than all of them combined before she retired to vacation in Luzira.)

If Amani asks for hung shoulders, chiseled cheeks; flat chests and flamingo legs for the Paris or New York fashion week, the ground is set. I know that there is a movie titled”12 years a slave” starring a one Lupits although I am yet to watch it but I am not sure what Angelina Jolie’s latest movie is although I might have watched it. That is the drift. I can confidently assert that there will be a slim chance of any beauty        queen (as photogenic as they come), who will grapple with calculus and source code as well as Her Excellency Leah Kalangu. 

Beyonce said;

‘Mama said, “ you are a pretty girl. What’s in your head, it doesn’t matter

Brush your teeth, fix your hair

What you wear, is all that matters”

The culture of TV bred citizens who want a rich man so that they can sit home and pretend to raise the kids. Those that even have degrees often graduate into house wives of equally educated or loaded blokes. Do we want a Miss Uganda to provide escort services to expatriates or shower naked in BBA so that our perversions can drool in satisfaction to the ultimate substitute of coffee and cotton? (Since we are yet to even understand what oil exportation is all about!). The most popular TV shows are abanonya and be my date, because guess what, they teach people how to fix a car tire, No?

I do not have the prettiest mom on earth. I think my sisters are beautiful but I know Hollywood would request for a pinch of salt on that menu, but do I give two hoots? No. Does Tyra Banks wash my clothes?, H no. I like that Alec Wek is dark and bald and looks sculptured on canvas and so does Naomi Campbell. My grind though is that I prefer my ladies shorter, lighter and fleshier. That is what my bedroom will define beauty to be, and I could care less if all the vogue editions were used for a suicide noose. 

We have made our statement. Kiprotich matters to us because he runs. Kansiime matters to us because girl is she funny or the word funny is not funny enough to describe her funny funny! Golola matters to us because he kicks some A (sometimes)!!, Leah matters to us because she is virtuous, godly, sick brilliant, talented and eloquent. 

She is too tall for me, and of course brighter than me so I cannot deal!!

Regardless, she gets an A for being Amamalitious. Here is why.

The historicals like Leah,

The generals salute her,

The cows dig her;

Poultry would kill for her,

Computers vibe her,

Everyone talks about her;

Celebs are using her to become relevant,

People and a half are talking about her,

We now care about Miss Uganda;

I do not know her,

So what the heck!!

Twitter @matsikogodwin

$TOH