Anti-Porno, Anti Gay Acts 2014; Long Live Kyankwanzi

What a month! For all Ugandans, well wishers, bete noire   all alike...we can say our rapt attention has been denied any waking silence for the jurisprudential developments that have seduced our whims to complete recreancy. We could as well jump on a motion to create a Special ministry for Kyankwanzi or in the very list a special budget. In fact, we could use it as the proper locus in quo for our Parliament after all the one we have is just pre occupied with budgets on how to use ipads. Like seriously, you are given i pads and you need more money to learn how to use them? Who votes these people into the house?, not that a fruit falls so far from the tree but for crying out loud.  

When they say that the historicals and pseudo NRM die hards have earned tickets to a Kyankwazi dainty fair, be ye informed that that is more than just a refresher course on what it means to be patriotic. Be ye informed my friend that the President is gonna do a red carpet moment on a boat with neither a life jacket nor alternative protective gear of any kind in complete contrast to his charge Amama, kinda like motioning to the boda boda guys on why they still bother with helmets. Moving swiftly on, I think  a Kyankwanzi potion (Rabadaba shut up am not talking to you) has a lot to play politically moving forward. Nothing else could get civil servants to be more focused on the rarefied ten point program that believe you me is as relevant as it ever could have been in 1986. I was not born then but I have read about it and that makes me an expert on our political history if it lends any credence to my incumbent apologetics.

While you still are wondering about how the web of the 2016 elections is going to be woven, now that Besigye looks like he has slipped his opposition margin, his successors all looking like they are another bunch of KFC projects; and I doubt Mr. Otuunu has eventually decided to vote himself at least...now that opposition in Parliament is clutched in personal vendettas of making the shadow cabinet, whatever use that is...now that we think we do not even need to waste our budget on elections because either way we know who wins...Now that Mr. Bukenya with all his Museveni wanna be antics, hat and rolling eyes notwithstanding; has decided to cable a tirade of sour grapes. Now that Amama seems to be as loyal as man's best friend, now that we doubt Nambooze will ever go for the high office..Like seriously, that was even on the table.

There is still one lil bi**h in the mix, and that is the law. So we have amended the constitution once before to affect term limits but again, posterity seems to be out of favour with us as far as this lil book and it's wig wielding guards go. Simple, how about a Bill to extend a few more years to finish and consolidate our noble work; including but not limited to, restoring peace in Juba, making sure Kony does not return, and wait a minute..hoping someone else catches a vision...it has taken us twenty something year to find a successor, but believe yo me we are doing our best. ( I am positive Wenger would agree)

  Ugandans have fast proven to be pay homage to a volatile shot of nonchalant political aggression. They can easily get satiated with one camp and just do a complete silhouette to another or just insolent indifference. (kwegamba bakoowu) but it could as well be that they too have a price. They are either Christian or Muslim or for the most part cultural (fat boy no offense). FORAS in NRM can surely put this to some good use. Enter Kyankwanzi.  Let us sign the Mini-skirt Bill and sure enough the Anti- Homosexuality Bill. While we are at it, be sternly warned that the Anti- Porn Act no longer has anything to say about dress code so undress women at your own peril. The Anti- Gay Act has limited the death sentence and still maintains the right to confidentiality of the victim in case of investigations, and seems to have reduced mandatory espionage to those in authority! What happens to the Onions, peppers, and all those vegetables of the media industry. Those Kansanga Kabalagala chaps be warned. N bambi those bars who just make a living off bikini nights... So what about those beauty pageants, Miss Uganda (swim suit), Miss Crocodiles, Miss, Elephants etc...

 Uganda ..oh Uganda, everything about us just has to come with some drama, we are that good. I bet you statements are made, and history is made. We are no longer just about Kony, and mountain gorillas...we also make law duh!!! and some stage of our making process gets decided on a private ranch somewhere in Kyankwanzi; but technicalities aside, we get the work done, scientific evidence and all.

Thanks to Kyankwazi, Obama could go hang, China or Russia might not disagree..but above all my dear Ugandans when 2016 does come like it sure will, remember what Kyankwanzi has done for you, remember the good, you do not wish to give that up as yet.

Lupita Nyong'o n Anne Kansiime. A breath of EA divadome!

There is seldom much to write about East Africa as far as global show biz is concerned. What with Victor Wanyama being the only one to make it into the EPL, Kiwanuka in the NFL and Barrack Obama in the Black White-House. Save for the marathoners who have managed to grace the tracks for sometime now, there is hardly that much sporty prowess peregrinating the region . Now with Barrack  Obama sounding more prodigal by the day by coming off as a cultural fugitive in respect to the Anti-Gay Bill and policies along that line, it is left to see how far he can stretch this ancestral benevolence.We do not have to trouble our heads with a world cup slot let alone an African Cup qualification but we are good really. ( If Mourinho thinks Arsene Wenger is an 8 year specialist in obscurity, we could as well relish in agnate fraternity).

Regardless, I find that we have our pockets of stardom shining in through the obfuscous pool. Once in a while a Jose Chameleon will be nominated for this and that, a Gaetano will do some malodorous stuff on Big Brother Africa; an Aamito will grace the catwalk, a Catoon Baboon combination will get a Channel O nod, and stuff like that. Idi Amin and Joseph Kony may still out compete Kizza Besigye in the popularity ranks but who gives a damn about African politics? atleast the youth don't so let us reserve that for our siesta session.

When it comes to Lupita Nyong'o (hope I spelt that right), we have one relevant revelation for the silver screen. The Mexican (Mehikan )born Kenyan daughter of a Kenyan senator may not come off as your everyday East African but our pride is all there for the taking. The first time I listened to her voice, I was just awestruck. She gives you that strong vocal dexterity akin to talented expatriate kids that occasionally grace our imbecilic school system or better still, International School trained Africans who keep the Queen's language jealously in the chambers of their nasal cavities. That notwithstanding, that pool has a fair share of its patrons but I dare surmise that the rat race has its charm even at that stage. The resilience that first got her on a Kenyan set, the boldness that led her to Yale for a less opted for education; the aptitude that gave her a Hollywood calling card is all but common place.The heat that she brings to the red carpet, the precision with which she cracks into her raw African beauty is impeccable. These are the things Hollywood feeds on, these are the things school kids glue their eyes on to, these are the things that make a Hallmark lifetime happen. The fresh air that a genuine Original, brings to the table.

In a not so far away land a similar gem in my opinion is fast grating the cogs of stardom in her own unique way. When comedy became a night pass time and a part time occupation for a few in Uganda some years ago with the likes of Pablo, Senkubuge, Idring; it appeared to some as one unsustainable short cut to a cornucopia of big monies. Not that the industry has outgrown its pettiness and less sought for revelations, but again I digress. It was even less likely that a lady would make it in the industry and much less one that was not so much of a jock recycler or plagiariser.  I first heard her in a sing song Go Tv commercial, then there was the Mini Buzz, now the International awards largely British and Asian; and the trailer for the prospective show on Citizen TV Kenya. Her skits are just a shockwave revelation on YOU TUBE. She could give Justin Bieber or Gangnum style a run for their money sometime. (just saying). Even if that might not look to be in the offing, I am a bond fun a.k.a Ninja of this mukiga girl. With the heavy Western Ugandan accent, the unedited, least choreographed display of nativity there is on the internet, the sky has a lot to answer for. A royal invitation under her chest, a couple other things to go with it, there is a lot a hurricane of talent can do for you.

I do not know if Hollywood would suit Anne Kansime unless it is one of those nativity films where the accent can be directed to suit the material on the set, (pun intended!!) but again P Square has hit the same market with their Naija pidgin. why not? Perhaps Lupita is more conformist as Obama was to wedge her way though the vanity fair lovers and perhaps Anne is more akin to a Nigerian movie revelation to a very specific audience...perhaps, perhaps and perhaps.

If you ask me, I like a hearty laugh with every trace of African gravitational benevolence and I also have a soft spot for a smart A*** head giving the glamour kids a run for their money. I like Anne, I like Lupita..because everybody likes them. hehehe

Peace out.

Bachelor sleeps on empty stomach, thanks to KCCA!!

It is always road users complaining about the dust and later thanking Jennifer Musisi for the good work. If your shop or office happens to be where KCCA decides to do a road revamp, woes are well in order.

Needless to say, after the stuffy air has settled you will smile at the sleek tarmac right at your door step. Why don't they just do these roads at night when we are asleep? Don't they watch movies ?! duh!

Too bad for our fellow hustlers whose businesses have been labelled illegal and have had their kiosks razed to the ground. It is like waking up one day and finding that boda bodas are illegal in Kampala! That day will be such a massive lay-off for all purposes and intents. My friends, it is actually true that your type of businesses do not exist in more organised cities like Kigali and Jo'burg; but then I digress. The paucity of my rumbling is on the woes of the bachelor hustler. Why make life even harder than it is already cut out to be. Guy goes through MUK surviving on kikumi kikumi and one expects that to change in a flash.

So this young man has for the past week or so been using a different route to work or he's been that absorbed with his headphones to and from work. Whatever the case, he has not noticed the changes going on around his local town-Luzira. So fast forward Friday evening. After a week of tedious paper pushing and street trotting; meetings upon deadlines, the hapless lad grabs a boda boda to his simple bachelor pad. Despite the added expense, sometimes this boda fare cannot be stacked up upon the Friday evening taxis. The mixed perfume scents are struggling for ventilation against the swealtering heat; the muggy armpits are equally rough-housing for breath and not to say that the foul oral redolence is helping the situation. Occasionally a disgruntled rear will let up a silent but not to be ignored protest. The cuisine inspired whiff will linger around long enough to conjure up all sorts of grimy faces from well sited lads and make up made up lil belles alike. The culprit will probably be engrossed in his or her smart phone reading this.hehehe The traffic jam on a Friday evening has never been in such a patient mood..O boy!!

Assuming the helmet-less boda ride is justified, the young man sinks into his stiff edged sofa. Laugh if you must, but in this part of the world, it is not that yielding to get yourself a leather body massaging sofa unless you happen to have a Kazinda connection. Just saying! Mr. man slowly reaches for the remote as he sheds off the day's costumes bit by bit. One stocking here, another there, steady slow pulling at the tie; a button here and yet another there.  This dawdling ritual is accomplished contemporaneously with yet another of channel surfing just in the hope that GO-TV has come up with some entertaining channels for once. 

After settling for some trivia channel, he does that for say thirty minutes and then just switches to Super Sport Select for left over soccer replays. It is not until about 10:00pm that he realises that he might need to grab a bite. Too late for the kitchen certainly and junk food is just too much a torture at that time of the night. Poor thing grabs some shorts, a T.shirt, some Clark flip flops, a wallet and off he goes in search of a  some supper. He is sure his street-side food ladies will do for now or will they?

Ofcourse KCCA has been working on the roads around so one has to be steady in the muddy-cum dusty paths in the neighbourhood but that is to be expected. What is unforgivable is what hits the poor chap when he reaches his famous food roadside kitchen, restaurant...whatever it is they call a string of women with saucepans lined along the road with all sorts of comestible in fair and rather cheap rations. Shock upon shock, the whole stretch has been cordoned off with poles well lined up at mathematical intervals. The whole place has been dug up and boasts of upside down pieces of earth smiling with a ghastly mocking pout. Somewhere in city hall, Jennifer Musisi's alter ego is busy smiling at this youg man pacing up and down looking in horror at the closed restaurants and inviting bars!!

As he promenades along the streets willing something to show up with some simmering chicken and rice, poor lad, almost walks into a pharmacy because it almost looked like a supermarket!... but KCCA no no no!!! another empty stomach thanks to you!!!