Sitya Loss Star Eddy Kenzo enrolls for crash course ahead of Ellen Degeneres Meet

"...I am orwede bookuti!!!", sounds familiar? semwaz

Whereas we hope that is it not always a dirty ghetto to uptown story that sells in the entertainment industry, sometimes if not most; we have to resign to the reality that it is the niche. If you are seated in an office of sorts or wielding a smart silver-screen or Chinese version of the same, you are likely to remember those rewrite, reconstruct classes of the "no sooner bla bla bla". It could very well seem that everybody you meet went through similar rigors. There could be a formula about just anything.

HE Bobi Wine and Dr. Hilderman will assure you that an MDD degree does the trick (forget that the crickets in their tracks cannot reprise the finesse that we associate with classical training). You could alternatively do a Kigali mechanic shop, an Ogopa Deejay understudy and be Africa's forever No. 6 and now 10th richest (sure, you don't need to pay your rent on time).

Do not try to go for Tusker Project Fame, because you will want to win. I hope that you do not get that far, because my friend, if you dare win, that is the end of your supposed career. Those fans screaming out your name will be eagerly waiting the next season and the real winner is none other than Ian Mbugua. You can very well do a weed profile, do some bubble gum nastiness, ice cream and still be called a star. It is the Banana Republic (not Spain). Here you have fibers and mulch and weeds and worms and roaches and..and...) If Musisi does not pull down your posters, you do not need to hire Balaam to magic wand you a concert. If Nakivubo is too expensive, try Serena and be sure to issue credit cards for your show or better still a cool Milli per head... (Hoping your clients only work somewhere for UGX 96 Mills a month.)Even landlords seldom demand people's income in such droves for one night. Moozik wo bamulya? oba yo gonya and you eat money?

Or just go to the states, sleep for 10 years and return to a midlife team no sleep playing catch up(I didn't use the word crisis). Otherwise, be a simple Nyaru looking boy from Masaka roads (you don't qualify as a street kid because Masaka has no streets). It does not hurt to be a soccer talent so you can get scholarships to play for post primary galas but still claim to have dropped out of school in P.7. Anyhow, whatever your story, when you hit the studio; be legit (one time!) Sing a verse in Ugrish but thing is we will guillotine your English attempt.

You should wait for 2016 so you are sure to get a candidate to run around with so you can have some change from the free flowing campaign fountains. ( It could be a fable that the Kyankwanzi resolution was a resolution worth the yellow paper it was written on!) It is when you get some young chaps to do some routines that you will have landed.( It is not child labour because you do not have to pay them!) You Tube views, tweeperings (twitter stuff) from Zuckerburg and a 2Beloved armrest. You are now in business. Kati if you have to go to some popular US mean comedienne talk show, are you gonna wanna jazz ghetto stuffs?! or you will need to use some riyo Engrish?

(Once, Joanne Rivers on her Fashion Police described a stripped dress thus, " the lines were so poor, I am surprised they were not written by Tyler Perry!!" . Mark you, most of us tend to believe that that Tyler Perry man Knows his English. (sic)

We Ugandans do not hate on your English, we love your music to bits and so do many others (eventually). English did not get you there and we are cognizant to the success of pidgin and Jamaican axos (accents in the music industry). We hope you can promote our Uglish but to be sure you do a riyo job, we are going to enroll you ASAP.


Lesson 1.

Do not dare pronounce the following words Kizungu: ( Sophisticated, Flirtatiousness,Retrospect, Quagmire, Photosynthesis, Characteristics, Statistics, Solemnly, Brusque, Obnoxious, Symposium, Outskirts, Booked, Traumatized, Hostel, Fragmented, Intricate, Juice, Ostentatious, Flabbergasted).

  I lepita. (I repeat!!)

Lesson 2

Yiiiiii sha! Naye Brazil also they deceived us! They did nont count in us any clever. How do you drink goals like that as if supu of cow legs? They should know we are demanding them our balance. But even German how do you beat your friends like that, hmm? They should beat them when they leave some in. Now Brazil is a laughing stone. Mtttttssseeewwwww. My condolences to Brazil, it is really a strategy!

If you have any issues on how to liplesent, please get in touch with our veteran Ambassador HE Seya taata wa baana!

  $TOH

Twitter @matsikogodwin

Israel shoots down Malaysian Flight MH17, no American survivors

" I have directed my ...team to establish  whether there were any American citizens on board. That is our first priority...our heart felt concern goes to all those who lost their loved ones from WHEREVER THEY CALL HOME!!" President Obama said in the wake of the MH17 crash.

 

One wonders why most of the planes flying the vicinity were miles further away from the catastrophic grid not withstanding that the impugned route was not necessarily a restricted zone. Whereas no doubt that this was unlikely to be accidental but rather deliberate, with the over 20 seconds- accuracy and velocity of a missile in the region to execute the target and duck beyond any Interpol radar gives the finger pointers more to chew on. Ukraine has the capacity, so do the separatists as well as the pro Russian troops. It is a war zone and a hand grenade could very well be packaged in baby hampers!!

 

Al Shabab seldom claims to outsmart Putin on his turf so they will probably leap off this un singed. Boko Haram prefer their girls African and  alive for now at least; so no one will look to Kano either.

 

 

We cannot blame the Bakonjo insurgents either. They with machetes and rusting AK 47s snatched from tin pot Police stations and park rangers would hardly hurt a fly on any Malaysian bird! How unfortunate that in this day and age, in the wake of Anti-Semitism, Yugoslavia and Herzegovina, and recently Rwanda; we retain tribes in western Uganda, congregating behind a homo sapien monarch to annihilate each other over mud and wattle. The proverbial monkey always jumps at the opportunity to teeth at a burning bush and I dare say this is not a racist statement!

 

Only one party cares less what we all think. Israel has formidably gained a reputation of pushing age old agenda regardless of political correctness and human rights jamboree. No one has fired more missiles than the Jews in the last couple of weeks. Netanyahu and his rabbis have such B*lls and with a little bit of Alien assistance, what is to stop a stray missile from landing in Shevchenko's hood?

 

Palestinians would relish such a conspiracy theory, because perhaps then the big boys could adjust their barrels to such central direction. Anyone daydreaming about Armageddon trumpets? 

 

Anyhow, we hope no American citizens were on board. Just wondering though, what drugs are these Malaysians always high on?, grounding birds like Chuck Norris in character. We need to send them to China for some serious cremation lessons on drug trafficking.

 

"If you go to war pray once; if you go on a sea journey pray twice; but pray three times if you are going to be married!!" Russian proverb.

 

$TOH

@matsiko godwin muhwezi (twitter)