Thursday 12 November 2015

The Ultimate Anifesto #Uganda Decides


While we pave our trenches and hope the Pope finds all dirt swept properly back under the bed, while we clap for the flowerbeds blossoming on our streets; while it is all and sundry, I stand to make a proposal. I promise you I was not aware it would rain at such a time otherwise I would have warned us to create a swamp in Lugogo to keep enough frogs which might drink the drain to dregs.

That aside, I must have missed the primaries but for whatever case, there was not that much money changing hands. Forget about the dollar noise and bribery issues; those incumbents that refused to win are traitors and must be disciplined accordingly. That is not what we teach and a stiker is employed and educated to make the score sheet not to whine and perspire through the ninety.

Who was beaten?, that cannot be true. You cannot rule out the possibility of some people cutting their wrists and undressing before cameras just to claim police highhandedness. Elections are supposed to be free and fair and it would be surprising if anyone thinks otherwise.

Let's talk crowds now. At the end of the day, what matters is the tally in the bag not the shirts and caps in still photos, coloured a dominant red or green whichever you prefer. My friend, crowds are overrated unless you are talking about the French Revolution, a relic dwarfed by modern right thinking voters. You could very easily be a computer guru but still only manage to gather kindergarten sojourners who have no idea what a nationa id looks like let alone how to cast the ballot. Who cares about noisy ingrates peddling social media hype when they will be playing golf on voting day; I am kidding they probably will be watching TV or at the beach-that vote counts a lot, don't you think?

 

I have heard in foreign countries that pre-ticked ballots, voting by candlelight and less candidates on ballots than the actual are a few of the stuff they have to deal with. That is baffling and cannot but be a fable of postcolonial myopia. For crying out, would you believe Skyfall selling a vote to the highest bidder? That is just Hollywood mantra and you my Ugandans know better than that. It is similar to having a party president run when you have time tested flag bearer still willing to skin the animal! You do not just skip the queue when the broth is steamy, get back to the bush son.

Camps, maskots and finger concortions. Ah, unless it is an epileptic situation, I find no pleasure in attempting to form meaningless finger formations to prove that I have something above my shoulders worth the time of this beautiful country. What is that even about? Are we hiphop artists now?, waving finger and hand motions to prove no point?

We should even do an Intellectual Property case on these colours and symbols. I heard one say that we should not sit on chairs anymore because they are his party symbol? All forests should pay taxes to the green party don't you think? I think music is our saving grace. If you want to be President not of the ghetto; sing or go home, rather, go hard or go home. It is a crucial skill, your lack of experience blights your consceintousness to what matters.

It is a fall, rise thing my friend, maybe the fifth time's a charm. By the way, at times you have to have a hairstyle represented just to even things out. Three horse races are overrated, we ought to throw in every ego just to spice up the pie. Afterall there is less to muzzle over after a score of pen pushing and an empty nest. Let us all line up for the ivory tower, shall we? It is a marathon, no need for heats, I say let's all dive in.

On another day we shall address the security question, but Today is no such day my friend. We do not put portions in each other's food that is for sure. Other issues will be updated in due course. It is unfortunate that my speech writer run out of ideas but he was fired so I should have fresh material for you soon. After all, 2021 is still far away, and this is still an anifesto- the "M" is still too precious to waste.

$TOH

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